WHY I WANT TO BE PREZZO (not the singer.....ewwwwwwww)

Kenyans are a peculiar lot. Very peculiar. We do things weirdly which is what makes us who we are. We start sentences with ‘but’ as if we are in the middle of a conversation...(lakini Wanjiku aliruka), complain about the very stuff we do and are political pundits, judicial experts and social researchers all rolled up in one. (in other words know-it-all, judgemental bastards)

Added to this list is apparently the need to run for president. We are born with this unfathomable genetic trait that makes us want to reside in the house on the hill. We want to ride in a long convoy of unnecessary vehicles, grow fat at the taxpayer’s expense and put our faces on the legal tender. (How awesome is that? Checking yourself out in the money rather than using a mirror.) We have this inexplicable need to pull back little curtains to reveal little plaques with our names on them and have children named after us. 

I know I wouldn’t mind boring people with long-winded speeches and then have them applaud like Bill Shakespeare would have borrowed words from you. (I think Kibaki gets a kick out of this. He intentionally drawls like a drunk Texan just to see who passes out and tries to outdo himself at every other speech.) It would be awesome if people stood up whenever I enter the room and have that aide dude walk behind me wherever I go. (except in the loo. )

So everyone is in the running now and it’s a crowded field. The Railas, Rutos and Kalonzos are meant to be the big dogs. Then there is a group with less name recognition like Ole Kiyapi and Chirau Makwere. (Ali is obviously the frontrunner seeing as he did such a great job at the transport ministry. Besides it would be nice to have a president who starts with war chants.) Don’t forget that Esther Arunga already has her fingers in State House.

My hat has thus been thrown into the ring. I’ve picked up the gauntlet. My manifesto could fit on a napkin. My pledge is to make things better. How you ask? How should I know? I’m only running for president. It’s not like I need a plan. I can make it up as I go along. I’ll just throw in words like economy, youth, employment and unity. Kenyans don’t want specifics. All they want is someone who can whip up a crowd. My tag is ‘ Vitu vitakuwa poa. Unichague juu mimi si hao wengine.’

Let me check opinion polls. I’m probably in the lead already. If I’m not then my political enemies are probably out to get me and money has been poured to malign my name. On the probable chance that I am ahead then it shows my countrywide appeal and the fact that I have made inroads everywhere. My experience is unquestionable. Twenty something odd years at being Kenyan. 

My name is Random Kenyan and I approve this message. Vote for me. I want to be your president.