HOW I DIDN'T MEET YOUR MOTHER: PROLOGUE

Son, your sister brought home her first boyfriend and as your father I feel compelled to give both the talk. Ewwww! Don’t look at me like that! Not that talk. That’s for you to learn in dark alleys and from wasted teenagers at parties as God intended. The talk I’m giving you is way better and a lot less icky. It’s a story about growing up since that’s what you’re doing. I was a late bloomer and married your mum at the ripe old age of 45. Since we want both of you out of the house by the time you’re 19, you better pay attention. And so it starts……

It was 2009 and I had just turned 22. My world had just been turned upside down after my longest relationship came to an end. Two long months. She cheated on me with the plumber. Said something about him being able to fix her pipes in more ways than one. I never did understand what she meant by that. Why are you smiling? You know what it means? Maybe I should give her a call.

Anyway I didn’t really mind the break up. This was for two reasons. One, chics (do you still call them that?), love wounded souls. And two……. well reason number one is good enough. Despite this, I was under intense pressure from your grandmother to settle down. Back in the day life was tough. Most guys had a brood by the time they were 12. (Ok maybe 13). My mum would constantly point to random girls on the street then make suggestive and rather lewd pelvic gestures. Crazy old lady. God rest her soul if she’s not torturing you up there.


It was under these circumstances that I trudged back to the apartment I shared with my three friends; Tony (aka the Professor who was slow and never understood why we called him that), Bob (aka Rambo due to his loud toilet habits) and Steph who resisted any attempts at nicknaming her with her stare. It was her secret super power. In spite of their virtually none-existent love lives, Tony and Bob spouted a fountain of advice directed towards me while Steph provided emotional support. This apartment was our ‘Fortress of Solitude’. I know that was way before your time but it was cool back then though superheroes wearing underwear on the outside are kinda lame.

That night they sought to redefine my love life. We put it down on paper and it became known as ‘Project Phoenix’. This was a list of the rules and regulations that would bring life and vitality to my lucklustre dating life. We swore an oath that night under Steph’s disapproving eye who took part just because she was bored. I have the list somewhere here. It read…………………………Oh wait. I think it’s time for dinner. I’ll read it to you as soon as we’re done. Go on.