It’s been an interesting political week. In so many ways we have been lucky because we have had so many distractions such that we have not been treated to the weekly drivel spewed by entities like PNU and ODM. In fact, I’m thinking one reason why the media so relentlessly followed the Nancy Baraza story was so that they wouldn’t have to find out which party William Ruto had migrated to that particular week. I was hoping the ‘gun incident’ would have been more dramatic. That way we would have missed the whole election and focused on whether or not the Deputy CJ should have worn a ski mask and also robbed the guard because she didn’t wanna be felt up.
Ok so while we are on the topic, I figure the whole issue about having her resign is hogwash. We live in a free country. What kind of world are we in if a woman isn’t allowed to go gangsta on another woman for patting her? It would be chaos. Utter anarchy. I want my kids to grow up knowing it’s cool to put a toothpick in their mouth, turn a gun sideways, wear a durag, grab their crotch and rep their hood.(I’ve seen the CCTV footage. That’s how it went down)
But the man that managed to steal the spotlight from all this was one Miguna Miguna. The man so controversial you have to say his name twice. Statistics in the last week have shown that there were 3425 suicides among the luo community who watched the interview and didn’t feel arrogant enough to live. (Can we please have a moment of silence!...Shhh in the back.This isn’t funny!) The nation is in split about whether Raila took someone else to the prom after promising to go with Miguna or he slept with his date. Either way, there is a dossier and one of our moles got an advance copy. Yes. We have moles. And rats. And other rodents. Point is we have the scoop.
So here are some of the things contained in the dossier. *deep breath* Spoiler alert: It’s all about Raila Odinga.
1) Raila’s real name is Darth Vader. In his spare time he wears a dark helmet and breathes through a hose. The dossier has a photocopy of his birth certificate which has the name Darth Vader cancelled out and replaced with Raila Odinga in crayon. Also his gender is listen as ‘pure evil.’
2) Globall warming is a front by Rao to hide the enormous power he wields with the weather. Remember the tsunami in Japan? Well you didn’t think it was a coincidence that the PM uses tsunamis as a metaphor, did you? Point is every single drought, deluge, tornado and typhoon can be traced to his house. Look it up. It’s an inconvenient truth.
3) Raila’s big plan for the next elections involves introducing a constitutional amendment that will makeit mandatory for every Kenyan to be named Raila Odinga. Going by that logic, he will be declared winner even before the elections start. It’s foolproof. Well either that or every Kenyan will be declared president.
4) DNA has been found linking Raila to Hitler, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and Kim Kardashian. At some point the four were planning what would have been known as the axis of evil despite the fact that they come from different generations and countries. But if anyone could bring together such evil, it has to be Rao.
5) Raila does not chuckle. He has a deep intense hate for anything that is cute or even remotely cuddly or smile inducing. So if you are wondering where all the cute babies or the sweet puppies disappear to when the man is in the room then now you know.
There is so much more in this dossier that we have to scour before we can release it to the public. Mostly because we have to digest it and then spit it out in a manner that a normal human being can understand. It is full of words like leviathan and prognosticate. Then there is a full page that is just made up of the name Miguna repeated over and over. So let me get back to work. For the good of the country.