Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Whenever earth shattering news hits the airwaves, we always seem to remember where we were and what we were doing. We tend to sit down afterwards and go over those details. It happened with the assassination of JFK (I was still a glimmer in my parents eyes), September 11th (Random Tuesday in class eight), the 1998 bombings (ushago for a funeral) and the swearing in of Mike Sonko. (curled up on the bathroom floor crying.) So the events of 23rd January are bound to follow the same pattern. Where were you when the ICC judges announced their verdict? I was in the loo...doing errrr...loo-ey things.

The media has had their Christmas and New Year's parties all rolled up into one over the last week. It's been a pretty boring news cycle and even the sinking Italian cruise ship couldn't help.(I'm sure it was orchestrated by the Kenyan media to find something interesting to focus on.) So this was the moment we'd all been waiting for. That moment of anxiety that can only be rivaled by that moment when you take that first bite of ugali to figure kama imeiva.

So at 1.25 pm, the country was hurdled around radios and televisions. Joshua Arap Sang was hurdled around a newspaper. At the Hague, the judges were making their final decisions. It was tough in that little chamber. The wheels of justice were grinding along slowly. Ekaterina Trendafilova (I swear this chic is an escaped convict. There is no way that name is real. No parent can be that mean), tossed the final coin. Heads or tails? She looked at the coin, smiled and then wrote the final verdict. That short dark one is so screwed she mused.

Back in Kenya, yet another journalist fell off the roof of Ruto's house. He giggled. He was kinda getting tired of his meals being broadcast to the whole nation. Uhuru was going over his dad's speech from that Kapenguria six thing. Veve was being passed around Muthaura's house. He was pretty calm. The retired Major General kept polishing his gun. Sang was dozing off. He had lost track of how many times he'd seen himself on tv. And it was time for his afternoon nap. And finally Kosgei was trying to figure out how to import more cars. All six were accounted for.

1.29 pm and sheep started bleating. Cocks started crowing, ( Wow was tempted to go somewhere different with that), squirrels were doing backflips and my neighbours rats started doing the makarena. And then *in a Jeff Koinange voice* JUDGEMENT DAY. The judges got on telly and the nation stopped. Silence. Hata makanga wakatulia kidogo. Tafash jo. Tafash. 1.30 pm and Kenya was at the Hague.

 So obviously at that point you all know what happened. Four out of six and now the name change from the Ocampo six to Three and a Half Men. And then the reactions were the best bit. Press conferences everywhere. Felt like everybody wanted to give their opinion. The suspects, their friends, their parties, neighbours and the Vice President of this republic. Speaking of which, Kalonzo you owe me money from that whole shuttle diplomacy thing. Na sitasahau. Kiraitu said something about not agreeing with the ruling as a lawyer from Havard. (Biting my lip. Biting my lip. Biting my lip). Even the Njuri Ncheke (sp) said something about that whole proceeeess.

The best reaction though is split between two people. First is the CEO of this republic. He came out of hibernation to deliver an eagerly awaited speech. The president made a speech about how we should be peaceful and united. Then directed his AG to from a team to advise the government on how to react to that ruling. *face palm and kick to the groin* How to react to the ICC ruling? I could save them money by telling them how to react. The government of Kenya wasn't one of the suspects. Then finally he says IDP's should be settled immediately. I hadn't realised that's what we were waiting for to get these Kenyans back home.

And then this morning an MP decided he will go on hunger strike to show his displeasure with the ICC confirming charges against UK. I can't be bothered to even look up his name. Hopefully though he can convince the whole August House to join him and the whole country can encourage them on this noble path. Think about it. It could be the biggest reality show ever. Slimpossible 3 kando. The last one to die of hunger wins. Who's the dumber of the two? You decide. At any rate, Kenya survived. And we live on.

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