WHAT WOMEN WANT.

I haven't been single in a very very long time.Lets just put it this way, the last time I was single, Kenya had no IDP's or a Prime Minister and Mike Sonko hadn't entered into our collective conscience as a synonym to stupidity. Yes it was that long ago. But what happened? you may ask. Well it all started thirteen years ago. I was young. Fresh from a journey of enlightenment on the lofty slopes of the Himalayas in Kathmandu. After months of herding mountain goats and fights with sherpas, I was finally on the way to a better life. On those freezing slopes, I had met the love of my life.

And it all came to a screeching halt a couple of days ago. She busted me in bed with another girl. But it wasn't what it looked like. Here's the true story. The true Hollywood story. There had been a storm. A bone chilling storm. And this woman had stumbled into my tent seeking, nay, needing refuge.And so I had nursed her back to warmth. The rest, as they say, is history. Lets just say what happened next involves a very sensitive appendage undergoing frost bite and getting stuck to a metal pipe.

So now I'm trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to see if anything can be salvaged from this broken heart. It's a totally different dating landscape from what I remember. Back then girls weren't so tall. But then again that would be because they used to be kids so that came with the territory.

I haven't had any expectations. It's simple. I just thought things would kinda work themselves out then years later I would tell my kids this funny story about how I met their mother. Hmmm. Where have I seen that before? But alas! it hasn't been smooth sailing. Apparently women have no idea about what they want. I asked around and here is the idea of the ideal man. In brackets are the ratings.

1. Tall (which i am...if she's a midget), dark (extra melanin to go around) and handsome (ummm...errrrr...ask my mum) I actually got a rough average figure. basically you gotta be taller than her so she can check how clean you keep your nostrils. It is the standard by which hygiene is judged.

2. Must be sensitive which means he can listen to you (Understanding is optional), cry when touched (not touched by someone but rather when overcome by emotion) and to share their feelings (which can never be whiny or sad.) So you gotta be a talkative guy who listens.It doesn't cut the mustard when you nod, smile and say she is absolutely right despite the fact that she's told you that same story 53425 times before.

3. Must be in touch with his feminine side (which means he can cook but not be accustomed to singing along to Avril Lavigne or dancing with hands above his head). Research has found that women are 23 times more likely to run over a guy who dances with his hands over his head than not. This is actual research undertaken by real people and not at all by figments of my imagination fuelled by a long day.

4. Should be a manly man(meaning he should have all the positive attributes of masculinity without the grossness, farts, belching and scratching).This means he should be available for football, rugby and wrestling and is totally banned from knowing anyone who plays tennis.

5. Must be amazing in the sack. (Am I? How would I know? I've never slept with myself. Uliza watu wengine) But the caveat here is that he should be good but not TOO good otherwise he takes lessons and extra tuition which might not be good for the relationship.

So it's official I'm doomed to a life of singlehood because apparently women have no idea what they want. Actually they do. The only problem is that it's just not me. *sits in the corner and sucks my thumb* I got my eyes out for cupid. That fat little bastard is going down.