HOW TO MEET SERIAL KILLERS.....

Articles, blogposts and prayers have been written about how social media has changed the very face of dating. That is as obvious as the fact that Njuguna Ndung'u is a deer caught in mathematical headlights. (Slight deviation here: WORST CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR IN AFRICA? Really? Wow. That must really suck. How do you get worse ratings than Zimbabwe? Do they even have a Central bank or there's some random dude in a basement who gets up and guesses whichever exchange rate they are going to use? Egyptian CB governor was dodging bullets and still did better than you? Oh well.)

So now relationships begin on the web as opposed to in clubs after bacchanalian sprees.(look it up. Usiguess ati unafikiria unajua ni nini nimesema.) I miss the good old days when you'd hit on a girl simply because she lived next door to you hence you had no choice. She was the closest thing so you had to make do. Despite the overbite that would make it possible for her to eat stuff in the kitchen from the comfort of the living room. It was a far simpler time. You knew what you were getting yourself into.

But it's all new now. The worst bit? Everyone is a veritable celeb in some corner of the planet. You know what they say about everyone having someone? Social media has kinda made that true. Evidence? Remember that girl with the overbite? Check her pics on fb now. There are hundreds of guys drooling after her. Whispering creepy nothings and telling her how she's God's gift to the scorched savannah. It happens. Beauty is in the eye of the cross-eyed beholder.


Ok so you have talked for weeks and in that time he/she has charmed your socks off. And now you have no socks on and you are planning that first meeting. After late nights of chat and whispered conversations on the phone, it's finally that time to put your money where your mouth is. You are curious about whether she looks like her voice or whether she smells like her words (flowery words jameni) etc etc. Here's a simple guide about that first meeting.

1. Meet somewhere really dark and isolated. Why? So you can get your head hacked off and your guts harvested by some random collector. (I really have to stop watching some of these college-based horror movies). But for real. Make it a wide open space. Why? So you can get a whole lot of space to practice the martial arts move you saw on telly.



2. UNDERSELL. It's the first rule of sales. Actually it isn't but it should be. Obviously he/she won't take your pics on fb/twitter seriously because they were all taken while you were drunk or were posed for at a studio. (You know you did it. Shame on you). So when he/she asks what to expect then undersell. Apologize in advance for how you look like a gremlin with a limp. That way if they meet you and you don't look so bad (maybe you look like an ogre minus the Shrek charm) they might be so relieved that they won't really care. By the way the next chic who tells me I sound taller on the phone is going down.

3.Carry a weapon. Got a knife/gun/big dog/nuclear submarine? Carry it. Just make sure it doesn't create a bulge in your pockets. That might scare them off. Keep the weapon hidden until they reach for your neck. When that happens scream 'STRANGER DANGER' and then brandish your weapon. Remember to apologise if you just made all that up in your head and killed him/her by mistake.

4. Ask someone to make up a fake emergency phone call to interrupt the date. JUST IN CASE. This would only work if they haven't stolen your phone by the first minute of the meeting. Or your spleen. It helps if you kill a relative you don't like on the phone. And make sure the story is plausible. "Noooo. Lil bro got hit by a herd of elephants?"

5. Don't try too hard. Show up in slippers and a vest. Why? That would mean you would look crazy. And crazy looking people are hardly ever crazy. It's an actual rule of thumb. Only 34 % of crazy looking people are actually crazy. The rest just got bad genes. If he/she looks pretty clean cut then run fro the hills.

You are now ready for that first meeting. We all know everyone online is a serial killer. even you. Don't raise your eyebrows at me. You are a serial killer. The sooner you admit it the better. Hopefully you have learnt how to deal with some of them. Let the force be with you my son/daughter/chic with overbite. If you make it alive let me know how it goes. If you don't then sue my black a...........