Friday, July 29, 2011

IF I WERE A GIRL?...NO THANKS!

The trend right now is getting scary for me.The thing is we're leaving behind the equality issue now and the in thing amongst the fairer sex is to find some way of wishing they were guys.The brutes that are men have been beaten down in prose and the poetry of song for a while now. Men are now consumate evil and we are the cause of everything bad from polio to the Japanese tsunami and everything between.

The battle has been taken to the airwaves with song after song being chruned out to say how men can't be trusted to tie their own shoe laces let alone be trusted with something as complicated as a relationship.It started with how women "don't need a man" and went on with how they could do anything better than any man. And now the envelope is being pushed further with songs like Ciara's with 'Like a Boy' and Beyonce's contribution 'If I was a Boy'.The songs were both interesting from a listener's point of view but it's even more interesting to see how many girls(sorry young ladies) are latching on to this.

Monday, July 25, 2011

PET PEEVES!!

People keep telling me to let it go but there are things other people seem to do just to see if they can drive you crazy. You know those tiny things that make you want to pull out your hair or jump off a particularly steep cliff. So someone figured i should start a list so that it can act as a deterrent to some of the perpetrators of these heinous crimes.

Remember this is my own list so you're allowed to disagree. If you think there are any hints of hypocrisy then you probably need to start writing your own. If you see hints of yourself then you're going over that cliff before me.

1. Politicians. Enough said.
2. Fake accents. This goes out to the guy who thinks his kao accent is hidden by his twang.
3. Girls who think that the world revolves around their looks. Seriously there has to be something more to you than that. Yes you look good but at some point i will get bored staring at you so you'd better have other tricks in that bag.

Friday, July 22, 2011

HOW I DIDN'T MEET UR MOTHER:RULE 1

 Now kids you have to know that all these rules weren’t things we just pulled out of thin air. They took months of scientific research and training. As we sat down that night, the Professor’s sensitivity had intermingled with Tony’s wit and Steph’s reason to come up with this unheard of brand of rules.

I guess you might be wondering what I brought to the table. Well…….to put it simply……..I was the guinea pig. I was the most naive of the group and my experiences were modest at best so they put me to the test. We tested each of the theories we came up with and submitted them to ‘Project Phoenix’. Some rules didn’t make it. For example Tony’s rule about getting under someone to get over someone was deemed inadmissible. Anyway, this is the story of the rules that made it through. This is how ‘Project Phoenix’ came to be. Rule by Rule.

1. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck smells like a duck and tastes like a duck then it probably isn’t. A duck wouldn’t try so hard.

I was sitting in a bus heading home after a long, hard day at school. Hours had simply dragged on and all I wanted to do was get home and relax. My head was against the window as I sat in the bus waiting for it to fill before the trip started. As usual, I sat there trying to figure out who I would be sitting next to for the next half hour. I had always had bad luck with this since I invariably sat next to the large lady who would end up sitting on half my seat or the screaming baby or the weed smoker…….(I think you get my drift).

Thursday, July 21, 2011

HOW I DIDN'T MEET YOUR MOTHER: PROLOGUE


Son, your sister brought home her first boyfriend and as your father I feel compelled to give both the talk. Ewwww! Don’t look at me like that! Not that talk. That’s for you to learn in dark alleys and from wasted teenagers at parties as God intended. The talk I’m giving you is way better and a lot less icky. It’s a story about growing up since that’s what you’re doing. I was a late bloomer and married your mum at the ripe old age of 45. Since we want both of you out of the house by the time you’re 19, you better pay attention. And so it starts……

It was 2009 and I had just turned 22. My world had just been turned upside down after my longest relationship came to an end. Two long months. She cheated on me with the plumber. Said something about him being able to fix her pipes in more ways than one. I never did understand what she meant by that. Why are you smiling? You know what it means? Maybe I should give her a call.

Anyway I didn’t really mind the break up. This was for two reasons. One, chics (do you still call them that?), love wounded souls. And two……. well reason number one is good enough. Despite this, I was under intense pressure from your grandmother to settle down. Back in the day life was tough. Most guys had a brood by the time they were 12. (Ok maybe 13). My mum would constantly point to random girls on the street then make suggestive and rather lewd pelvic gestures. Crazy old lady. God rest her soul if she’s not torturing you up there.

Monday, July 18, 2011

HOW I DIDN'T MEET YOUR MOTHER: PROJECT PHOENIX

Kids to put this list into perspective, it is important to give you some background on the individuals who wrote it. The result was way in excess of the sum total of the individuals who wrote it. First Ben aka the Professor was the sensitive one of the group. He was the one who would point out the things that always escape our eyes about someone getting hurt. The Professor was our own Dr. Phil. While he wasn’t very smart, he was nice to a fault. Because of this girls threw themselves at him but his sensitivity was matched by a shy streak that was Archiles’ heel.

Tony was the know-it-all of the group. He was the resident encyclopedia and always had some obscure information to share with us. Mostly it revolved around the fair sex. (e.g Clinophobia is the fear of beds……he had the reverse condition if you know what I mean). He was a self proclaimed skirt-chaser (this was meant to exclude Hillary Clinton and those Scots wearing kilts) and was obnoxious about his 89% success rate compared to 57% for other guys.

Steph though was the voice of reason. After hours of arguments it was usually left to her to cast the deciding vote. She didn’t date much despite the fact that she had loads to offer. We just figured other guys were as scared of her as we were. Tony once joked that she was part of the reason that his stats weren’t at 100%. For some weird reason she started playing with the knife in her hand. The topic was dropped.

Friday, July 15, 2011

BOYFRIEND FILES: THE FIRST DATE


Aaaaah the first date. I remember mine ever so well. It involved a five seater van, pineapples and mad screaming. (Work it out for yourself. I can’t spell everything out for you.) It is as important as what you call your future kids. (Mind you if you are thinking about what you are going to call your kids during your first date then prepare to never have a second date) Back to the topic at hand, the importance of the first date cannot be overemphasised. 

Don’t roll your eyes at me junior. I know you think you know what you are doing because you have watched a few romantic comedies. Yes of course. The world works in the same way that Jennifer Aniston movies go. The Kenyan context is very unique and no motion picture has ever reflected those circumstances. So here is what you know about what that first date says about you.

a)      Lunch at my place-DO NOT try this unless you are sure you don’t come off as the type to try get some action on the first date. If your eyes are sunken within your head or you have a ghoulish laugh *eye roll and hair toss*(Hehe....where is my cape Igor?) then don’t attempt this. You may turn out sounding like a serial killer picking a victim. If you can cook then this is a perfect way to show off your culinary skills and if she shows up then she shows she trusts you. (or is a complete idiot)

b)      Meet at the movies- The general convention is that when you take a girl out for the first time then it’s either a romantic comedy or a horror film. The former will mean she will be ‘awwing’ the whole time on you and the latter will mean she will be using you as a shield from the blood and guts. Either way the magic words are PHYSICAL CONTACT. Only way this could go wrong is if you end up crying during the romantic comedy or screaming like a baby during the horror film. 

c)       Picnic at the park- Awww how sweet are you? Extra points for actually planning something. If you can avoid the crazy weirdos, the city council employees trying to arrest you, the muggers and the birds swooping in for your food then you are golden. Oh and don’t forget the UON students going on strike. On second thought, just let it be unless you are sure you are pretty fast.

d)      Restaurant- Notice I said restaurant not cafe. McFry’s is where you go when you are sure she is madly in love with you and will never leave you.(she will leave you) But then again if she accepts to go to McFry’s or Sanford then she must really like you. (or she is really hungry and just doesn’t care where she gets food. Be afraid)

e)      Getaway- If you have the cash then you can opt for some special getaway to some lake or cabin where there is no phone reception then you know you are in a horror movie. This means someone will definitely track you down and hack you to death. And nothing puts a damper on the second date like having you both dead. *wince*

As usual I would love to give you more tips but being a bf means I have needs to take care of. I’d love to explain but again privilege excludes some stuff from being disclosed. Maybe we will talk about that next time. Let’s just say it involves celotape, a tyre, three pigs and a German. Take care.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

MOVIE MAYHEM...BUSTING THE BLOCKBUSTER


The days when I would sit and watch in awe as sound and picture intermarried in an explosion of cinematic story telling are long gone. In its place is a roll of clich├ęs pieced together into coma inducing rubbish. In this day and age it is very unlikely that you’d sit and not know where the story is heading and thus some questions have to be asked.

Take the horror genre of old. Remember when you’d watch one of those films that would keep you awake for days and turned every moving thing into a fiendish spectre? Today though, the plotlines have gotten stale and the story predictable. I mean why in heavens name do those teens or college kids go the woods alone and get drunk? It’s like hanging a ‘Please come kill us’ sign around their necks. 

Then what’s up with the blonde never being able to outrun the killer? He always seems to be taking some leisurely stroll wielding a sharp gardening implement while the younger and more athletic cheerleader somehow manages to twist her ankle every single time. The only up side to this is I’ve found myself cheering on the mad killer just so he can stop the blonde from screaming.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

WHY I WANT TO BE PREZZO (not the singer.....ewwwwwwww)

Kenyans are a peculiar lot. Very peculiar. We do things weirdly which is what makes us who we are. We start sentences with ‘but’ as if we are in the middle of a conversation...(lakini Wanjiku aliruka), complain about the very stuff we do and are political pundits, judicial experts and social researchers all rolled up in one. (in other words know-it-all, judgemental bastards)

Added to this list is apparently the need to run for president. We are born with this unfathomable genetic trait that makes us want to reside in the house on the hill. We want to ride in a long convoy of unnecessary vehicles, grow fat at the taxpayer’s expense and put our faces on the legal tender. (How awesome is that? Checking yourself out in the money rather than using a mirror.) We have this inexplicable need to pull back little curtains to reveal little plaques with our names on them and have children named after us. 

I know I wouldn’t mind boring people with long-winded speeches and then have them applaud like Bill Shakespeare would have borrowed words from you. (I think Kibaki gets a kick out of this. He intentionally drawls like a drunk Texan just to see who passes out and tries to outdo himself at every other speech.) It would be awesome if people stood up whenever I enter the room and have that aide dude walk behind me wherever I go. (except in the loo. )