Wednesday, July 13, 2011

MOVIE MAYHEM...BUSTING THE BLOCKBUSTER


The days when I would sit and watch in awe as sound and picture intermarried in an explosion of cinematic story telling are long gone. In its place is a roll of clich├ęs pieced together into coma inducing rubbish. In this day and age it is very unlikely that you’d sit and not know where the story is heading and thus some questions have to be asked.

Take the horror genre of old. Remember when you’d watch one of those films that would keep you awake for days and turned every moving thing into a fiendish spectre? Today though, the plotlines have gotten stale and the story predictable. I mean why in heavens name do those teens or college kids go the woods alone and get drunk? It’s like hanging a ‘Please come kill us’ sign around their necks. 

Then what’s up with the blonde never being able to outrun the killer? He always seems to be taking some leisurely stroll wielding a sharp gardening implement while the younger and more athletic cheerleader somehow manages to twist her ankle every single time. The only up side to this is I’ve found myself cheering on the mad killer just so he can stop the blonde from screaming.


Then the racism kicks in. What’s the deal with there always being one random black guy on every single one of these flicks? He sits around and in expletive filled sentences makes ‘black’ statements like “Dude that’s whack’ and “I’m not going down like an f$%ing punk”. Invariably he always dies first. I used to complain about that but then noticed it’s better than having to listen to him curse for the entire length of the movie.

Our attention then shifts to the classic action movie. Why is the bad guy always some European guy? I mean I’m sure there are people out there other than Russians, French, Germans and English dudes. And what’s with the monocles? Do all bad guys just have poor eye sight in one eye? Then for some reason all the cops in these movies as well as most of the bad guys have ridiculous aim for people whose job it is to shoot other people. How many times do you see the good guy tap dance through a wave of bullets? Thank heavens they aren’t replaced with Kenyan ones or else everyone on the set would be dead.

I’m yet to find out why aliens are always landing in the world’s major cities. It’s always the same. Paris, New York, London. You know where I’d like to see aliens landing? How about Kakamega or Kisii or Kayole? But then to be fair I guess the aliens would get their butts handed to them if they landed here. 

The romantic comedy genre has no similarities to real life. First of all love in real life is not a comedy. It’s a horror movie. There are no walks through the park that do not end with a mugging. And the less good looking, less successful guy hardly ever gets the girl in the end. Truth is he hardly ever gets a second look. But yeah if that’s you then keep holding on for Halle Berry to come your way.

You call it entertainment but I call it lies and if I wanted someone to lie to me then I wouldn’t pay for it. Damn. I’m bored now. Got a movie I can watch?

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