HOW I DIDN'T MEET YOUR MOTHER: PROJECT PHOENIX

Kids to put this list into perspective, it is important to give you some background on the individuals who wrote it. The result was way in excess of the sum total of the individuals who wrote it. First Ben aka the Professor was the sensitive one of the group. He was the one who would point out the things that always escape our eyes about someone getting hurt. The Professor was our own Dr. Phil. While he wasn’t very smart, he was nice to a fault. Because of this girls threw themselves at him but his sensitivity was matched by a shy streak that was Archiles’ heel.

Tony was the know-it-all of the group. He was the resident encyclopedia and always had some obscure information to share with us. Mostly it revolved around the fair sex. (e.g Clinophobia is the fear of beds……he had the reverse condition if you know what I mean). He was a self proclaimed skirt-chaser (this was meant to exclude Hillary Clinton and those Scots wearing kilts) and was obnoxious about his 89% success rate compared to 57% for other guys.

Steph though was the voice of reason. After hours of arguments it was usually left to her to cast the deciding vote. She didn’t date much despite the fact that she had loads to offer. We just figured other guys were as scared of her as we were. Tony once joked that she was part of the reason that his stats weren’t at 100%. For some weird reason she started playing with the knife in her hand. The topic was dropped.


And me? Well I was a little bit of all these guys. Anyway back to the list. This list has only been seen by four pairs of eyes since i was written but it is about time that the legend was shared. It will give you all the details you need to navigate the dating world. Guard it with your life!!!!

1. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck smells like a duck and tastes like a duck then it probably isn’t. A duck wouldn’t try so hard.

2. If he/she can tell the difference between a dessert fork and a regular fork then walk away.

3. If his/her profile picture on facebook is of an actor/singer then he/she has issues. If the actor/singer is Asian or Latino then he/she is probably seeing a shrink.

4. If he/she has any male relatives in the disciplined forces (army/police/Mungiki?) then date him/her knowing your lifespan has been cut by half.

5. Sleepovers are for kids. If he/she invites you for one………..JACKPOT!!

6. Any and all decisions made while drunk are applicable only if they are enforced by a court of law. Otherwise they are null and void. This includes and is not limited to marriages, booty calls, one night stands and making out with janitors.

7. Given the choice between jail and matching t-shirts there isn't really a choice. Just learn not to drop the soap.

8. If he/she says I love you first and you’re not ready then fake a pre-existing condition. Asthma and fainting spells are the weapons of choice.

9. Voluptuous and fat are two very different things.Same goes for petite and skinny. Refer to your dictionary for further explanation.

10. Like Christmas dating is not about what people think it is. Christmas isn’t about family and friends; it’s about presents. So dating isn’t about feelings and emotions, it’s about…
Off to bed. I’ll finish in the morning.