HOW I DIDN'T MEET UR MOTHER:RULE 1

 Now kids you have to know that all these rules weren’t things we just pulled out of thin air. They took months of scientific research and training. As we sat down that night, the Professor’s sensitivity had intermingled with Tony’s wit and Steph’s reason to come up with this unheard of brand of rules.

I guess you might be wondering what I brought to the table. Well…….to put it simply……..I was the guinea pig. I was the most naive of the group and my experiences were modest at best so they put me to the test. We tested each of the theories we came up with and submitted them to ‘Project Phoenix’. Some rules didn’t make it. For example Tony’s rule about getting under someone to get over someone was deemed inadmissible. Anyway, this is the story of the rules that made it through. This is how ‘Project Phoenix’ came to be. Rule by Rule.

1. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck smells like a duck and tastes like a duck then it probably isn’t. A duck wouldn’t try so hard.

I was sitting in a bus heading home after a long, hard day at school. Hours had simply dragged on and all I wanted to do was get home and relax. My head was against the window as I sat in the bus waiting for it to fill before the trip started. As usual, I sat there trying to figure out who I would be sitting next to for the next half hour. I had always had bad luck with this since I invariably sat next to the large lady who would end up sitting on half my seat or the screaming baby or the weed smoker…….(I think you get my drift).


So I sat there scanning the individuals coming down the aisle and eliminating them in my head. It’s something I frequently did hoping I’d get to sit next to the pretty girl in the bus and strike up a wonderful conversation. (Tony said the chances of this happening were 4% for me. His stood at 89%. It was always 89%). In my head I eliminated the loud self-important guy on the phone, harsh mum with two kids, creepy emo girl with lip piercing and psychotic-looking guy with big eyes. The same happened to the sweaty guy in the suit and dreadlocked guy who was playing music through his phone speakers. Then I saw her……..

She was lovely. (The Professor described all girls as lovely and I got stuck using the word) Had a nice smile on her face despite the fact that she looked kinda tired. The tired ones were great since there was the off chance she’d fall asleep on my shoulder. Long hair sans the creepy looking weaves that had becoming a staple among my female peers. I was still gazing at this picture of beauty when she was shielded by this huge guy in sweats.

I looked around in panic. Two seats left. My chances had just improved from 4 to 50%. (Tony eat your heart out!!). The only other empty seat was across the aisle from me and the guy sitting there seemed to be mirroring my thoughts. ‘Sweats’ walked up to the seat and looked at both seats. My muscles tensed hoping he’d choose the other one. And he did!!!…….Only to change his mind and plop himself next to me. Girl X sat next to the other guy who had a big grin on his face.

The drive started and I sat there resigned to my awful luck. Across the aisle, the other guy started a conversation with Girl X and I closed my eyes not wanting to view my girl being stolen from right under my nose. But the drive was bumpy and i would have no such luck. So I was kept awake. Not able to help myself, I kept stealing glances and was surprised to find Girl X looking back!!

First I just thought it was my overactive imagination. But no!! She was looking back. And smiling. And doing that odd thing girls do with their eyelashes. Girl stealer was forgotten as this visual conversation continued. It was bliss. Pure bliss!! Time must have skipped along because before I knew it, I was approaching my stop. I thought about just going along with the bus till she got to hers but I figured I was still too young to become a stalker. So I slowly got up.

My peripheral vision picked up on some movement from Girl X and for a moment I thought she was getting up also but no such luck. She stretched towards me and for a moment I thought I was dreaming. In her hand was a crumpled piece of paper which she gave me with a big smile on her face. On it were scribbled numbers. Jackpot!!! I would never forget her next words. I remember them, clear as day. ” That is my phone naba. Prease carr me….”…….