ELECTIONS 2013: NOOOOOOOOO!

Get it? Huh? Huh?

The new and improved judiciary came out with a landmark ruling last week. It made it illegal for guys over 10 to wear supras and the ruling also allowed the cops to shoot individuals who contravene it on site. But the story that made it to the front pages of all the local dailies was this whole thing about the election date.So apparently the court, which is made up of sane people, ruled that we might have elections in 2013. Actually they said a whole lot of stuff that sounded pretty important but the bit that we took away was that we might go to the polls in 2013.

The country reacted in the normal fashion. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth as reporters went around the country seeking the opinions of 'the frontrunners' in the presidential race. They all said something about respecting the rule of law. Sorry I wasn't quite listening. oh and then the other MP's chimed in about how we should respect the constitution because they might get three extra months' salary before we send them back to work on their phot farms. (Think about it. Only stoned people would behave like that). Then that night, Primetime news featured opinion questions like: "2013?" "Tutaweza kweli?" or my personal favourite "WTF?" They picked a sample of the responses and the general reactions were "Tutavukaa border" and "GFF, woiye, acheni mchezo!"

But the realisation is slowly starting to sink in. Like that hot piece of ugali stuck in your throat scorching your gullet as it goes down, things are fiery and thick. But don't be afraid. Actually be a bit afraid. If we have another year to go before the next elections then there are a few things we will have to put up with. And that's where it all goes downhill. If we had a bunch of sober people housed in parliament, then maybe the ruling wouldn't be so bad. But as it is, here is the breakdown of why March 213 polls would cause Kenyans to jump in front of moving trains.


a) Mike Sonko. Enough said. Wait. Actually no. On second thought. Yes. Enough said.

b) More speeches from Obako. "My fellow Kenyans....my government....I have only one dear wife...We are winning the war in Eastleigh...oh sorry I mean in Somalia...mavi ya kuku...hapanaaaaa....sijawakaaa!" If i have to go through an extended period of a series of those then I might just lunge at the Presidential Escort so they can shoot me and end it all.

c)Kalonzo Musyoka going around assuming he can become president. we all need comedy during these trying times but not those kinds of jokes. That's akin to those dreams we have about being naked in a hall full of random strangers...only this time it will be real. Or worse being in a room full of fat and sweaty strangers. *gag*

d) Eugene Wamalwa's face at dinnertime. I know this sounds pretty personal but I have developed a phobia that those nostrils have the ability to suck up all the oxygen from the atmosphere thus causing the extinction of the human species. While his lips remind me of JJ from Good Times, he makes me sadder by not being as funny.

e) Miguna Miguna running around seeking attention like a rock in front of an angry UON student. Pick me.Pick me. Heavens if I have to listen to him go on and on about how he is proof that human beings are still evolving, I will own up to the death threats. But then again because of the prison reforms (Damn you Uncle Moody) those crooks have telly and I might still have to hear from him. So there's only one choice. *cocks gun* (If any arm of law enforcement is reading this, I'm just kidding. Or am I? Yes I am. Woiye msinishike)

f) Political parties. First Kalonzo went back to his stand up comedy roots by renaming ODM-K, Wiper Democratic Party (Obviously nothing says democracy like windscreen wipers, right?) You'd think this was the bottom of the bunch but then you'd be underestimating Kenyan politicians. I mean there's already a party with a bus as a political symbol. Can't wait for the initials to start rolling out. KPL, UFC, QWERTY, KREEPY etc and they will all have random symbols like dingos stealing babies or hawks swooping in on baboons. Already shivering just thinking about it.

g) More political pundits. I'm not sure if it's KTN which has this jang'o and kyuk dude whose work it is to differ on political matters.One gives the PNU version of stuff and then the other counters with the PNU version. They never seem to agree on anything other than the fact that they have no idea what politicians are going to do next. If we extend this thing to March 2013, Mutahi Mgunyi just might have a heart attack from all the opinions that will be required of him.

Anyway, we can always hope that Raila and Kibaki do the right thing and have us go to the polls by the end of the year. After all, if there is anything that those two are known for, it is their penchant for common sense. Wow. I honestly have no idea if that was sarcastic. Then again if the elections are in 2013, then lets cross our fingers about those crazy Mayans. You'd better be right.