Friday, December 30, 2011


Another one bits the dust. I didn't kill another hooker.BTW if the cops ask you guys where I was last night then the story is that I was at one of your places. I went home to find the hooker (They are call girls when alive and hookers when found murdered) dumped in my room. Obviously my political enemies are still out to get me. That's the fourth such incident this week.And don't buy it when the cops say they have my DNA on all of them. I wore gloves....errr I didn't do it.

But I digress. So very much. I mean the year is coming to an end. And this traditionally the time when I would sit down and write some sappy story about how painfully severe it has been to me. How the storm messed with my hair here or the tears messed up with my make up. But I refuse. This year I will switch things up a bit. You grow older and you learn new things and 2011 has taught me a couple of things. Sampled below are some of them;

1)Being Kenyan means we are totally freaked out by the very idea of burglars. But when Jimmy Gathu breaks into your house and sits in your room with a calculator, you shouldn't call the cops or raise the alarm. You are supposed to sit down and listen to him judge you about how he is way better than you. I have learnt that you are supposed to help him calculate how much of a sleaze ball you are and then walk out of your kadogo's house without a text or a note.

2)I have learnt that when you see either Nyambane or Suzanna Owiyo on the streets in your neighbourhood, you should immediately jump into your toilet and scrub it like the blue blazes. But then again it doesn't really matter because they are both invisible to people with clean toilets. They are the Edward Cullen of the toilet business. They make stuff sparkle.*slits my own throat for making a Twilight reference*

3) It's become clear that the fall in the value of the Kenyan shilling can affect just about the price of everything. This runs the gamut from charcoal (which we obviously import from Saudi Arabia), MP's seats and even the donations given to beggars on the streets. Apparently ksh. 20 can't even buy the good glue. The good stuff needs to come all the way from Gara so be sure not to get the bonoko. This was how it went down.

4) All women are great in bed. Apparently if great things happened, it was all them and had nothing to do with the sweaty guy in the corner who looks like he just ran a marathon. In more women news, do not piss them off. This will result in one of two things. They will either stop the car on Valley Road and slap the daylights out of you or they will infect you with HIV and go on a twitter rampage about it with acid involved somewhere.(For the record, none of these things happened to me.)*Pinocchio nose growing*

5) If an old white guy says the world is gonna end then listen to him because one....he's white and two...he's old. Remember this? If he says the world is going to end twice then he's twice as smart. Just so you know we are in the afterlife.

6) We are winning in Somalia. Even when we have to cancel our own functions to accommodate Al Shabaab. We are great neighbours. When they call us kafirs  and ask us to cancel then we cancel. It's what we do. Ask the KDF or check their tweef.

7) Jimmy Gait is madly confusing. How can an annoying, short, sexually vague make such ridiculously catchy music. *Whistling along to furifuri dance while hating my very guts*
8) Raila and Raphael Tuju are singlehandedly to blame for the poor performance in English and Swahili in KCPE. Obviously the kids got confused by Raila's vitendawili and Rapho's use of the word 'Rapho'. They might also be to blame for words like diasporian and fo-shizzle.

9) Classic FM breakfast show is going to be the most listened to Kenyan radio show forever. Because as a country we are just that idiotic. Classic in the morning is that weird uncle who smells really funny, swears at everyone for no apparent reason and tells sexually inappropriate jokes while scratching his crotch. But he's also the one who sneaks in drinks when your parents say you've had way too much. So everyone loves him but no one is willing to admit it.

10) If you knock at the door long and hard enough then someone will answer. That has been proven all around the world with people demanding their rights. So to all the dick-tators reading this (yes Comrade Bob, I've been told you are a regular here), it's about time you figured out which drainage ditch to hide in. 2011 has taught us that if you don't agree then go on strike.

And with that in mind, I'm on strike till the clock says 2012. Happy new year you leaches. But please remember the alibi about the hooker. Hopefully the Mayans are right and this is the last time I ever have to do one of this year in review type of things.

1 comment:

  1. Ulisahau the Muturi saga...haha. Great Piece lakini..ended the year in style. Happy new year kwako...and keep up with the great pieces