GBS: GOD BLESS SHOPPING!

I am a regular viewer of GBS. Wait let me rephrase that. Viewer sounds so personal. Like I actually tune into the station with a particular goal in mind. I don’t. With GBS you can’t really do that. I’m not even sure they have a programme schedule. I’m pretty sure there is a Korean guy who sits behind some wooden counter and points at random screens, shrugs and then says “Why not!” before the show is beamed to thousand of unsuspecting viewers. I’m sure they don’t even have a standard time for the news. It would probably air when the mood suits them. If enough news has happened by 10 am then that would be the only bulletin you should expect.

That said, GBS is stills a very guilty pleasure for me. It ranks somewhere near those guys who secretly love the smell of their own farts. Yeah. That bad. The best bit is when you watch the Sunday morning service which is translated from Korean to English to Swahili. I’m sure the meaning is completely by the time the last guy has finished his sentence. When I’m low I will switch to the channel to watch them go on endlessly about every other phone. This Samsung is the phone for you. That Lg should be what you are buying. Why haven’t you bought this Motorola? 

They are good at what they do and there we have to give the devil his due. That’s why they’ve been trusted by Jacaranda Gardens to drum up sales for their estate. They once tried selling a car and the first thing the dude said was “This car says it all. Need I say anything else?” only for him to go on and on for about half an hour with details like how round the steering wheel was. Pretty sure the car company lost customers that quarter. Clients must be queuing though because I was sure I saw cooking utensils being plugged today. And was that Jalang’o spotted on the show? Their strategy is obvious: Annoy them enough and they will buy. He’s a threat.

So I was wondering what they would offer next. They’ve pretty much run the gamut. Electronics, real estate and vehicles. They have made TV home shopping a reality for lazy Kenyans. And now the next frontier. The brothel. And before the feminists start complaining about their sexist portrayal, I will have you know that this would work in either direction. Guys and girls on offer for all your carnal pleasures.

I can see them wheeling out the latest model of call girl (for the sake of expediency we will assume it’s a woman so I don’t have to go through the whole he/she issue. Besides call boy sounds odd) She’d come out and do a little twirl while Winnie and Jalang’o tick off a long list of features included in this very latest model. Her seating apparatus,the air bags and safety features which include the ability to forget your phone number, address and name. I’m sorry if it sounds really sexist but my imagination isn’t known for its political correctness.

Winnie would do it in her trademark surprised voice. Like this is the best thing to happen to mankind since the knife that made sliced bread possible. Her eyes would say she is BSing you because you will probably get an STD that will cause your appendages to fall off. But her annoying whiny voice will push you towards it. And then she will mention their retail price which will be better than the prevailing rates at Sabina Joy. (I’m told it’s impossible to beat SJ rates though but GBS will have economies of scale on their side) The deal will be done when they tell you about their delivery options and the fact that you can pay via Mpesa. As soon as Jalang’o opens his mouth you have already dialed the number to talk to a counselor and a sales technician.

And then the wait begins. To make things interesting they will add a new policy. Late delivery and it’s on the house. So you take the merchandise out for a test ride and your wallet isn’t dented. This will have three effects on the station. First, wives all around the country (or at least the places the limited radius that receives this frequency) will go crazy demanding their husbands stop watching gospel television. Secondly. GBS will finally get regular watchers who will singlehandedly change the face of Kenyan television. Single handedly…hehe. And lastly, GBS will retain the name but the letters will now stand for God Bless Shopping.