KENYA:A STRIKING/STRICKEN NATION

2011 has been the year of ‘Haki Yetu’ and ‘Solidarity Forever’. Before I go even further, it’s about time we came up with new protest songs. ‘Haki yetu’ is kinda catchy and simple to remember the words to, seeing as they are only two. But then again it would help if we could articulate a bit more than that in a chant. I don’t know. Make it rhyme or something. ‘Solidarity Forever’ is a bigger headache though. The song requires weird arm movements and it’s only performed by people with two left arms (the upper body version of being uncoordinated). 

Think about it, every single time you get that gratuitous shot of the guys on strike shouting out their demands, no one gets it right. Not teachers or politicians or students or doctors. (Doctors surprised me the most. Thought they make their living on being able to do stuff better than the general population.) And if you are going to have a strike, then make sure you learn the words to the stupid song. 

What comes after ‘Solidarity forever’? I mean the song has more words than that. So when you issue the strike threat, please enclose lyrics of the appropriate strike song to your members. Research shows that authorities are 72.65% more likely to take a strike seriously if the people are able to sing and dance like the kids on Glee. In addition to that get a professional to do your picket signs. They all look like they are done by a retarded chicken which also has dyslexia. Case in point was that teacher who couldn’t do basic arithmetic or spell during the TEACHERS’ STRIKE.

So who is next? Well the docs and teachers have had their turn. Doctors had a case of Strikus Interruptus which was cured pretty quickly. Matatu drivers are next. Their demands are pretty simple. They wanna be allowed to put excess passengers on their luggage racks and also put up 32 inch television screens on their windscreens. An M-Pesa outlet in long-distance transportation has been thrown in to spice things up. The fundamentalist wing of the public transport sector has also asked for a mama mboga and a dj booth in the vehicles but it is unlikely that the government will budge on some of those demands.

Next are the men of the night. Not male prostitutes. Watchmen. They will be asking for better working conditions. Rumours on the grapevine point to possibilities that they may ask for day time working hours. After all, nothing interesting happens at night apart from robberies and occasionally, fireworks, which on second thought may have been gun shots. Then they want their employers to pay for English lessons so they can communicate with their charges. A key part of their demands is for the government to make it illegal for people to call them ‘Boss’ and also for bombs to be clearly labeled with the word ‘BOOM’ to make it easier during their checks.

I’ve heard Kenya power could go on strike but that has been nipped in the bud due to the fact that they know no one would notice any difference if they downed their tools. In fact, service delivery just might improve if they went on strike so that kills the whole point. It’s also been rumoured that the general public would join the cops in attacking them if they did. Just for fun. 

Research shows that 124% of the nation would like to see a strike by members of parliament. Of course this would be because they had to take a cut in luxury after the quotes given for their seats were cut in half from ksh 400,000 to ksh. 200,000. Fingers crosses that they will pour out into the streets with their demands to screw the public even more. Can anyone say TARGET PRACTICE? 

Who else? Catholic priests, KTN, KBC, my stalker from across the street, Jeff Koinange’s voice etc. I would give you the story behind all those upcoming strikes but then my fingers are going on strike so deal with it.