HELL HATH NEITHER FURY NOR ACID.....

Twitter has been abuzz this past week with stories about acid. If you’re thinking there was a car battery seminar then you are wrong. It’s a story made in twitter heaven with the help of a couple of astute Kenyans. It has all the makings of a Kenyan fairytale. Two women. A virile young man. And acid.

 Let me break it down for the guys who have been living under a rock. Woman A sleeps with the guy and later finds out she has a girlfriend. She goes on a twitter rampage telling people how she is HIV+ and that she infected him and by extension his girlfriend, Woman B. They are both pregnant from the same seed. Girlfriend loses it and decides to bathe his fair face in acid. Naturally. I’m guessing he now looks like that DA from batman. Harvey Dent aka Two-Face.

I’ve seen a couple of stories on the blogosphere about this story and I think people are looking at it all wrong. Sure, it could point to the near-cult status we have given people via social media just because they make us laugh, wince or stare at their interesting body bits. But then this is about something much simpler. It’s about expression. The girlfriend could have easily written a strongly worded letter or done the traditional thing and stabbed Woman A but she went for something different. Modern. Novel.

It’s that novelty that we are going to explore. What if there are women out there thinking “Hmmm, I wonder how I can pour acid on my friend/boyfriend/lecturer/watchman/matatu driver?” It is these women I’m reaching out to. There is a definite art to it. It’s not as easy as throwing a car battery at someone’s face and hoping the best. No. This isn’t for armatures. And thus a short but helpful way to make someone’s face melt.

1.       Find acid. The stuff in your chemistry labs won’t do. And if you have a chemistry lab at your disposal then you should be preparing for KCSE rather than planning revenge on your cheating boyfriend. Do what I’d do. Google. Try key words like ‘local sulphuric acid’, ‘acid kwa bei nafuu’ and ‘acid at wholesale prices’. Remember to delete your search history in case the cops decide to ever investigate the crime.

2.       Find a proper disguise when going to pick up the acid. A fake Ugandan accent would help. Don’t know how they sound? Good. Neither do they. That makes the accent even better. I’d also include a ski mask, a leso on your head and a limp. Pay only in cowrie shells. They are untraceable.

3.       Safety first. Get some antacid before you handle the acid…you know…just in case some of it spills on you.

4.       Do not store it in your soda bottles, tea kettles, bath tubs or toilet cisterns. Accidents happen. Those accidents burn.

5.       Make a recon trip to map out the area that you intend to attack. Having schematics of the face, hand, legs or groin of the particular area could help to be more accurate. You can never plan too much.

6.       Use a swinging circular motion (confirm if it is centripetal or centrifugal…mimi si mwalimu wa physics). It’s your best bet at not getting any acid on yourself.

7.       Ensure the getaway car is fueled and has been serviced. In fact you can keep some of the acid just in case the car battery dies. It could happen. 

8.       Run!

Now you are ready. Go out there and get it done. And please don’t send me any thank you notes the police will assume I’m an accomplice. Moral of the story? Hell hath no fury like a woman with access to twitter. And acid. And a virile boyfriend. Sucks also if she’s scorned.