GOSSIP GIRL: HECK NO! HECK NO!

I have the utmost respect for people’s sweat and toil. Thus I find it pretty deplorable when people hide behind their keyboards and monitors and tear down other people’s labour. It is a sign of a lost generation when meanness is what passes for creativity especially in light of the growing influence of alternative media.

Thus it pains me to have to do this. This goes out to one Ruhila Adatia so here goes.

Dear Ruhila,

Ok chill. That sounds a bit too personal and I mean for this to be a bit objective and professional. So we shall go with;

Dear Unnamed Chic who hosts Gossip Girl on Kiss TV.,

What the hell are you doing? Listen I have a lot of respect for what Kiss TV has achieved based on the shoe string budget they probably operate with. That’s why I don’t join the bandwagon when people make fun of Ramah Nyang when he has to kneel behind that news desk; because that guy is brilliant. And I’m told it’s not the size of the tool but rather what you do with it. (Unless you are a big tool with a little tool)

Today, I sat through ‘Gossip Girl’ and I found myself wincing from the very start. Lets just start with that name. It’s about as original as naming your matatu ‘Nissan’. Or your out of wedlock son ‘Bas Tard’. It just reeks of laziness. The original show is both mundane and patronising. It is basically one of those Latino soap operas with the horses, ranches and heavy breathing replaced with cars, parties and text messaging. If I wanted to watch adaptations, I’d stick to someone who can pull it off well. Like Mike Sonko trying to imitate someone with a brain or O’Brien Kimani imitating a news anchor.

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then Gossip Girl is crazy in love with its flattery of E! Entertainment. I wrote about E! once when I had gotten sucked into the culture that wants to know what Miley Cyrus thinks about green jeans and world peace. I don’t think she is an idiot but to be honest, my views of the world aren’t shaped by the Kardashians, Rebecca Black, Justin Beiber, The Girls Next Door or what they wear, drink or do to keep themselves fit.

The funny thing is that Gossip Girl saw it fit to cut and paste the same stuff. Fashion Court? Really? Because Kate Winslet gives a rat’s behind about what some random Kenyan thinks of her. I can picture her right now on the phone.

“Peter? Yes. It’s Kate. Fire them. The whole lot. Stylists, hair and make up, tailors. ALL OF THEM. It’s the Kenyans. They think I’m a hobo.”

But the bit that really gets to me is the ‘Spotted’ section. Yes I did my homework. I sat there quietly and didn’t complain even one bit. Here, they do one of two things. Either they show you a pic of some random celebrity caught on camera going to Starbucks or at some restaurant or in their car (How exciting! They can drive?) Secondly, and by far my favourite, is the one where they will tell you which Kenyan ‘celebrity’ was spotted somewhere. THEY TELL YOU. As in no photographic evidence or anything. We are just supposed to take their word for it. I could do the same thing! I just saw prezzo leaving my house covered in bandages because he has no idea what talent means. Please believe me.

Then there is the question of what defines a Kenyan celebrity. I have seen some crazy people on that list since that word is thrown around here more often that poo in a monkey fight. It’s a short list of people who can even aspire to use that term. But Ruhila, how do you tell me the Vision 2030 CEO  is a celebrity and then go ahead to tell me where he was seen? Or even Bob Collymore. Huge in Kenya? Yes. Celebrity? I think not.

So Ruhila, I mean this with the best of intentions. Style up. It’s hard enough getting people to turn to Kiss TV when Cheaters isn’t playing. It gets harder when they do so only to find E!’s evil step sister saying and doing it all wrong.