MORE KENYAN GOLD: HAKI YETU

The Commonwealth Games are  over. I don’t really understand the games to begin with. The British are so awesome at what they do. I can so imagine the reigning British monarch sitting around a table and going Hey Charles you know how we colonized these people? You know what? We should see if we can make them run, jump and swim every four years. That should teach them who’s boss. And we do. Every four years without fail. Let’s see Obama try that with his hope and ‘yes we can’.

But yeah while I might seem to criticize the games in themselves, I’ve found myself watching them. Then I got angry when I noticed that the games were rigged in favour of the same country. Looked at the medal standings recently? Yeah the Britons are somewhere near the top. Though Australia must be enjoying kicking their rear ends. I can imagine them going like Serves you right for calling us crooks. But yeah some of the games are totally pointless. As Kenyans, we simply sit back and watch some of them and shake our heads in disbelief. And they call us weird?

Some sports we’ve never even heard of; I mean synchronized diving? Really? Is that a sport? They basically give medals for people falling into a pool with style. Lawn bowling is also a sport apparently. It looks like it’s meant to be played by geriatric pensioners while watching the sun go down not professional athletes. Skeet shooting? Seriously if you’re Kenyan and caught with a gun then you’re looking at time behind bars not a place on a podium. I’m kinda partial to gymnastics but the floor exercises look like those little girls are having epileptic fits while playing with ribbons and balls.

Then there are games you know you won’t be seeing Kenyans taking part in. How many black guys did you see in the pool? Yeah we still haven’t evolved gills. No matter how Kenyan Dunford is, his neighbor Kamau won’t be seen swimming next to him. Oh yeah and Kenyans are probably banned from the squash courts since it’s a tight space and we tend to get violent. I can so see a Kenyan whacking the opponent with the racket and chanting ‘haki yetu’ after a loss. We are made to run. And run only. Why? Because someone needs to get the cows when they jump over the fence. Ask the Kalenjin.

But you know what? It’s our fault for not trying hard enough. We can compete at the very same level if not better. The luo should be involved in throwing the shot putt and hammer. Records would fall. Maasais and the javelin sound like a match made in heaven. The Kenyan police can be involved in those games that require shooting as long as the targets are people carrying televisions. The golds would come pouring. And finally I can see some angry Kisiis being involved in anything requiring physical aggression. Yes karate, judo, wrestling and boxing are now in the bag. In fact I have these plans underway. Have it all figured out for Scotland where the Kenyan flag will be head and shoulders above the rest.