THE BOYFRIEND FILES: PROLOGUE

Hi. My name is BF and I am a boyfriend. Ok. If you just laughed while pointing at me then you are probably single and haven’t gotten laid in a while. If you winced and shivered at the ‘B-word’ then you are probably a veteran of the game. You have probably seen the tears and tantrums and experienced the confusion that surrounds the very essence of the term. But if, on the other hand, you sighed with relief then you are the person this column is written for. You have probably just landed that new girl and she held your hand which in your head means you’re going steady. The relief was because you just found out you’re not the only boyfriend around.

Well young man, the loneliness ends now. There are many of us out there. Living in the shadows. Unable to confess to our friends and families that we belong to this dreaded society that are referred to as ‘couples’. It’s a mine field fraught with danger, intrigue and ………….well mines. Heed my words. I do not claim to be an expert. Far from it. I have just been on this road longer but now I invite you to walk with me. I will teach you the ways of the boyfriend. How to survive. How to live. But first thing’s first, how do you know you are her boyfriend.

Some background first. The term boyfriend came up in 654BC when some douche bag (probably from Iceland) decided to play a game of make believe with his friend who was a girl.(not his girlfriend). They figured they could apply the rules of marriage in an informal setting. What we call ‘cha mama na baba’ has now evolved to become the longest played game ever. Check your Guinness Book of Records for confirmation. As a result of this monogamy crossed over to the unmarried masses. Before then it was pretty much open season. Any girl. Anywhere. Any time. Good times.

But I digress. How do you know you are her boyfriend. Her man. Her boo. Her errand boy. Her………sorry just letting you get used to all the variations of the word. To avoid panic and potential embarrassment when she introduces as her friend, one or more must apply to you.

1. She has slept over and stayed for breakfast and lunch. No sex was involved. Just cuddling. (If she left before dawn, sex was involved and she left you with a bill then get yourself checked out for an STI.

2. She got really angry about your female friends and got really surprised when you said you wanted to date one. (If she gets too angry then keep the knives away)

3.Her friends know what your favourite meal is because she never shuts up about you. (if she knows where your rash is and you’ve never shown her then she is a stalker. Run)

So now you have a choice. In or out? To have the talk or not? What next? Well………Sorry dude. Have to run. The girlfriend wants to go shopping. Translation: Hours spent looking at stuff that we won’t buy. I’ll holla back soon enough. Till next time.