I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN

I threw myself in this presidential race a while ago and I’ve been pretty quiet over the last couple of months. This is mostly due to the fact that I have no need to have rocks thrown at me in ‘enemy territory’ or to have my name dragged through the mud in whatever scandals. I’ve also been avoiding trials of all sorts so I guess it’s about time I broke the silence.

I have been watching the American elections with keen interest especially since they will take place at about the same time as ours. It’s full of intrigue as the media and rivals find dirt on the front runners to hurt their chances in the polls. It’s actually pretty funny if you think about it. First it was Rick Perry who has been found to be a total idiot due to his debate performances.

 For real, he had a blank moment during a debate and just finished by saying “Ooops!” Oooops? For the dude who might get nuclear launch codes? Sure. He also got into trouble over his dad having ownership of a place that had a racist name. Then there is Herman Cain who is the current front runner but is being faced by allegations of sexual harassment. Not by one person or two. But by four or five people. More to come.

So in a way I am lucky the Kenyan political scene is more forgiving than the American one. Here we are good with murderers and thieves as long as they speak the same language and basically do nothing for our wellbeing. It helps to have low expectations. But we are becoming a bit more politically aware so things might have changed by the next polls. So I figured I should come clean to the electorate so no scandals will show up next year. I’m coming clean on all the stuff that could used against me pretty soon.

a)  I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Which woman you may ask. I mean one of the sixty five who will come out of the woodwork claiming they have had carnal knowledge of all this dark chocolate. Well they are lying…unless they can intimately describe the ‘Twilight’ tattoo I have on my left thigh.

         b) I am not actually Kenyan. I was brought up by Guinean fruit bats after I washed up on the banks of a river. It’s all hazy really seeing as I was about three years old but it has had a profound effect on me. It explains why my eyesight sucks and also why I hiss for no apparent reason.

     c) My identification card was obtained from a guy on river road. I asked him to use the name John Smith so I wouldn’t raise any eyebrows but turns out it’s not as common as I thought.  My next set of documents will probably have the name Nelson Mandela. I hear he is kinda popular.

        d) There are rumours going around that I killed some old lady. First, she had it coming. Second, she had it coming so bad. Third, I didn’t kill her and no one can prove it. Fourth, the body found under my bed was just a regular misunderstanding with my former landlady. She put the body there as a joke and then left the country because she knew it wasn’t funny.

5.       I have never ever experimented with drugs of any kind. Photos may come out in the next couple of months which might show me in various stages of undress due to inebriation. But these are all political games instigated by my enemies to malign my name. I have no idea what beer tastes like or the heavenly aroma of weed when you puff it into your….errr never mind.

Well that is it. I guess. Laid bare in front of all of you. Now let’s get back to winning those votes. I approve this message.