Monday, October 31, 2011


I’m getting confused by this whole thing about terrorist organizations. CNN has this clip they play whenever they mention Al Shabaab or the Taliban. They cut to this slow motion video of some guys in bath robes running around on a playground and then shooting off into the distance before ducking into holes in the ground. This is confusing on a number of levels. Firstly, why do terrorists run in slow motion? I mean, wouldn’t it be faster for them to just run at a regular pace? And why do they need all that cardio? I have never heard of a suicide bombing at a marathon race. Actually if that were the case, they’d only recruit Kenyans. (Congrats to the team that scooped top ten places in Frankfurt Marathon. Suck on that!) 

But the mental image is changing with every passing day. Now it’s being replaced with an actual organization complete with a really rude receptionist and departments. I can almost see some campus with lecturers walking around, books clutched under their arms while they peruse that day’s paper. Once in a while they will rush to the corner to the corner excitedly to show their colleagues a picture in the paper. 

“That’s was one of mine,” he’d say pointing to a blob of blood in there. “One of my best and brightest. I always knew he’d do something explosive with his life. Obviously he had a blast!” 
Then they’d all chuckle at how smart they are about their puns and walk off to their classes. The bell ring is obviously replaced by a bomb going off. Anyone who flinches when this happens is obviously kicked out of school. They need better stuff here. If you flinch obviously you are a premature detonator. And no one likes those.

Theory classes are all in well-lit classes with random posters on the wall reading ‘INFIDEL’ and ‘DEATH TO…’ leaving the blank for the appropriate guy to be killed. Obviously due to the incursion, it reads ‘Death to Alfred Mutua and maybe those other Kenyans’. Students sit nervously chatting with each other. There is an exam coming up. Questions include ‘which is the best disguise when you are going to work?’ Obviously the answer is a tie between a pastor and a Kenya Power technician but many will not get that right. The one with the lowest marks in class gets to take home an explosive assignment.

There is an IT department whose work it is to look out for news on how operations are being reported on. This is also the same department that sends emails to take credit for random attacks. It also scouts the internet for bloggers who make fun of terrorists (GULP!!) and then floods their inboxes with spam about enlarging your manhood. The PR department takes care of the manner in which the public views the terrorist organization. They are the ones that organize tree planting and garbage collection. After all even terrorists can’t ignore the green trend sweeping the planet. 

Can’t forget the resource mobilization centre which is where all the pamphlets are available for those who would like to make donations to the organization. It’s the business arm. Al shabaab inc. In the pamphlet are pictures of their handy work. Kids with their hands around each other cradling an AK 47. Others playing baseball with a grenade. Dinner at the training camp. Smiles everywhere. Then numbers at the back giving an M-Pesa and bank account number at the back for those donations of love.

I seem to be experiencing technical difficulties with my internet so I’m assuming the IT department has figured this out….TERMINATING CORRESPONDENCE. We have intercepted your communication. You think you funny? Death to YENYEWE! Join us for our next funds drive. Call us. Operators are standing by.

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