THIS IS KENYAAAAAAA!!!(THINK 300)

Some idiot has been leaving his grenades everywhere around the nation. If that’s you then we need to have a sit down. A talk. No come closer. Ok drop the grenade. On second thought just hold it tight.Drop the Ak47 though. And the angry rat. I’ve seen what rodents can do. This is for your ears only. First, I won’t assume that it’s Al Shabaab. Why, you may ask? Well I just don’t wanna have them take the credit for someone else’s hard work without giving them a chance to prove themselves. I mean, it might be some drunk cop who just keeps leaving his work tools everywhere.

Though if it is Al Shabaab, here is the skinny. You don’t freak us out. We don’t scare easy as a nation. Either we are not smart enough to know when we should be afraid or we are more excited by the thought of showing up on the evening news as an eye witness. (Doesn’t matter if we heard the story from a friend of a friend of a brother of a sister’s cousin). We will be at each other’s necks over petty differences like who is stealing more money from our coffers but insult our nationality and you have a war on your hands.

We didn’t even know we had an army. Most of us thought the defence forces were made up of those guys who stand around in the sun while Baba Jimmy lumbers around them. Turns out we have tonnes of men and women in uniform who don’t ask for ‘kitu kidogo’ before they do their work. They are bringing the fight to you. Wherever you may be! Ok unless you are hiding right smack in the middle of Nairobi because that’s just too close. We are out to prove a point. You can’t mess with us…ok maybe you can mess with us. Just not our tourists. This is about what is truly Kenyan…ummmm…errr…FOREIGNERS.

But really it doesn’t matter what this is about. You decided to make it worse by leaving us little explosive packages everywhere. Obviously you have no idea how Kenyans work. We laugh in the face of danger. Yesterday, there was a bomb scare at a popular drinking joint near my place and the first question my brother asked was whether the drinks had been harmed. That’s what you are dealing with Al Shabaab. Sheer stupidity. We are even making it worse by following our troops around and letting you know where they are everyday along with videos. Tune in. We don’t mind.

Hope you saw our cops going all CSI on the explosion site after your idiot dropped a grenade at OTC. It was all professional using stuff like gloves. GLOVES! We don’t do that stuff. Words like EVIDENCE and INVESTIGATION don’t mean a thing to us but for you we are bringing out the big boys. Our version of Horatio Caine was at the crime scene thinking deeply. Sure it might have been about the episode of ‘Papa Shirandula’ he was missing but the message has been sent. You are in our sights.They even asked us to look out for suspicious people and activities. This is in a country where the tag should be: Suspicious people doing suspicious things suspiciously. So we are all suspects.

So this is a message from Kenya to you. We are not afraid. You might change our lives a little bit. You might inconvenience our movement. But we will make jokes about it and move on. It’s how we do. You’d best believe that Mwaura’s will get more clientele from all the publicity gotten from the explosion. Oh. Just in case, it’s just some cop dropping grenades in a drunken stupor then do us all a favour and clear Al Shabaab’s name. They have a good rep so it would suck if you soil their name with this debacle.