UGALI: THE OTHER WHITE GOLD!!

Once in a while I watch business shows and watch the pundits go crazy over the price of oil while colourful graphs on the screen give the audience reference points. If the graph says it’s true then it’s true. The talking heads will break down the cause and effect of the price of the barrel of oil while the graph spikes in either direction.....usually northwards. Economics for dummies.

With the price of maize flour going through the roof, Kenyan news should take up the mantle. A typical show would begin with those half baked graphics local tv is known for. Starving children, cows asking why, government officials confused and farmers doing cartwheels would flash past the screen before the text emblazoned in red: MAIZE WATCH. Graphs would show up while the anchor tells us how we are going to die soon. I can imagine Larry (unnecessary pause) Madowo going crazy using big words to say what we can all see. No more ugali.

PAID A MILLION FOR YOU. NOW YOU HAVE TO.........

Women tend to be picky and it’s something that men have kinda gotten used to when it comes to the dating world. We listen to them with bemused smiles when they read off that list that holds the attributes of one Charming. First name Prince. It’s like watching a child tell you how he wants to be an astronaut. You don’t just crush their dream. You listen and encourage them despite the fact that you know the odds are pretty much astronomical. (Half-irony there; astronaut and astronomical, get it?) Then you smile when they become petrol stop attendants. (metaphor hidden here)

So yeah back to the list. The trinity is the one we are used to. Tall, dark and handsome. (I’m only sure I’m dark. Definitely not tall and the handsome depends on how drunk you are.) So there at least I know where I stand. More stuff has come up along the way. Must be funny, sensitive, a good cook, great in bed, a good guy with bad boy tendencies and the staple now.....financially stable. Which brings me to the “Ponyoka na Millioni” dowry girl.

TOP TEN EXCUSES OVER FPE SCAM

Since there is so much heat being thrown around by the media over the Ksh 4.2 Billion (Dear Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta that is read as 4.2 billion Kenya shillings not Kenya shillings 4.2 Billion) I decided to take a moment and reflect. Sam Ongeri has categorically stated that he will not resign over this scandal and his PS is denying that there is one to begin with. (Hakuna pesa imeibiwa)

This morning Prof. Sam said he has no power as a minister to investigate the scam (which is true. He is paid over a million shillings to look pretty in parliament) He has left it to the police who we, as Kenyans, trust implicitly to sort this out in a very short time....like how they have sorted out AngloLeasing, Goldenberg (still hunting down Pattni? Watch him preach on Sunday morning) and even the Samuel Wanjiru debacle. (he jumped..no he was pushed..no he is still alive)

THE PLAYLIST: LIFE'S SYMPHONY

Every morning, I have a checklist that is meticulously gone over before the faulty padlock is slapped on my door and I jump down the ten flights of stairs on the way to the carpool. The list includes my fare (should get a wallet. Can’t keep going around with a wad  of crumpled up wad of notes), phone (damn you Safaricom. Why did I fall for that Ideos idiocy?), phone charger (yes Safaricom still on you) and my earphones. Stuff like dressing is pretty much a bonus.

Walk down the streets of Nairobi and you will find that we have plugged in to the earphone phenomenon. Mine go on for a simple reason; to keep the world away. As soon as they come on, everything drowns out. The drone of the engine becomes the violin solo in “Coming Home”, the woman complaining about her husband is melted into the guitar intro of “ Year 3000” and Maina Kageni’s incessant sex talk becomes “I write sins not tragedies.”



I find myself waiting for those moments alone with my music (my taste has been described as everything from feminine, to “awww Brian you are so sensitive right through to my favourite “Are you kidding?”) One Tulanana Bohela has had to deal with the pain of hearing a song replayed over and over when I’m going through that honeymoon phase. But here is where judgement is reserved. No one knows . It’s just me and my music.



I get cheap thrills from imagining what is on the play list of random people. The prim and proper woman listening to Soulja Boy, the important looking CEO rocking along to Lady Gaga or the tough kid with the mohawk listening to some Westlife. I can’t help but think they are relieved that here in their own little world, they can be who they want to be. Away from the expectations. Where their bespoke suits and below the hem skirts don’t have to point to the person within.


Yesterday though my checklist was forgotten due to my morning haste. The driver was hooting and on the phone at the same time. “Brian, injury time.” And so my ear phones were left on the table as I dashed down the stairs. And from there the torture started. Maina Kageni was on the radio, (I don’t hate the guy. Just can’t help think that we lose brain cells listening to him.), the topic of discussion in the car was also less than savoury (to protect the poolers I will keep that secret). Once in town the morning sounds are drowned out by the hooting and I start craving for the peacefulness of  Sauti Sol’s “I’m Coming Home.

NAOMBA SERIKALI: THE STORY OF A WHINING NATION

We are a country of whiners. Even you. If you are reading this and you are Kenyan then it is you I’m talking to. We complain a lot. It’s what we do. Who we are. We have that gene that somehow just allows us to go on and on about what is going wrong with our lives and then blaming it all on the government. Rains failing? Naomba serikali.........People taking our islands? Naomba serikali.......Athletes committing suicide/getting murdered? Naomba serikali......

The government has borne the brunt of complaining Kenyans who have turned that ‘naomba serikali’ refrain into one of the most popular phrases only behind ‘Haki yetu’ and ‘Tutang’oa reli’. And so we will take a look at some of the things that the government has been blamed for. Usually I play the part of the devil’s advocate but today I represent the defence. And before you as a jury, I will prove that my client, GOK, is not not guilty but rather innocent.