THE KENYAN TERRORIST: A GUIDE

Since the terrorist activity started in the country we have become accustomed to the constant checks by the security apparatus. It's become a way of life. A manner in which we all give up a bit of our privacy so we can get felt up for the greater good. Kenyans are actually happy to go through this inconvenience if it means making their country a bit safer.

That said though the security guards over the last couple of months have painted a rather interesting image of what terrorism is like.If you have no idea what I am talking about then  I will ask you to recall your last pat down or car check as you were entering a public building. Remembered? Ok. If you have watched any of those detective or crime shows you will know that they come up with a psychological and physical profile of the unsub (suspect to you lesser mortals). From the actions of the Kenyan security guard we are able to draw a fairly conclusive image of what the Kenyan terrorist looks and acts like. Join me as we descend into this murky world.

1) The Kenyan terrorist only drives crappy cars. He is never seen in flashy cars because that will obviously draw way too much attention to himself. That's why when the Range Rover drives up to the security guards they salute and wave him through while the guy in the old Peugeot has his jalopy checked from hood to exhaust. You can never be too careful with these people.

HOW TO GET ARRESTED IN NAIROBI: PART II

There we were. A bunch of misfits all squeezed up into the back of the pick up. There was an eerie silence. Like the first day at school and everyone was trying to find their place on the pecking order. Everyone seemed terrified. Well except the hawker who just looked like this was his original weekend plan. He sat in the corner and quietly counted his money. Then after a few minutes he took a wad of cash and stuffed it down his pants. Yeah that was the look on my face too. I thought he was bulking up his junk to look more impressive in jail. Misplaced priorities. But I was wrong.

I was by far the youngest law breaker...well if you don't count the crying toddler. But I am pretty sure he hadn't been nabbed on his own. That said I wouldn't put it past the City Council to arrest a 2 year old for jay crawling.The silence persisted while we drove around town picking up more people. They had the same confused look every time they would get forced into the back of the truck. Why am I here? I have a date/child/wedding/class to attend to. 

My friends kept calling to figure out where we were. We were everywhere. The City Council were basically being Noah and this filthy little truck was their ark. They were determined to get at least one of everything. When we left town the conversation suddenly picked up. It's like somehow some volume knob had been replaced and everyone found their voice. Topic of conversation? How innocent we all were. The charges ranged from the ludicrous to the laughable. They all involved potted plants, alleged littering or breathing on the wrong side of the road. Or as kanjo would refer to it: CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. In fact the only person who looked completely guilty was the hawker.

HOW TO GET ARRESTED IN NAIROBI: Part I

I would like to start this story with an important caveat. This actually happened. It did. How do I know? I was there. As you will see from the story.

Two of my biggest fears: Motorcycle & Kanjo.

My friends will have you know that I have a very very unhealthy fear of four groups of people. One is midgets but that's only because they play sinister characters in movies and can punch me in the groin in a fight. The second group is Kenya Power technicians. Why you may ask? Well when I was young I had a great understanding of electrical engineering.  So when Kenya Power would disconnect the power I would promptly reconnect it. And from then I would freak out about hearing that motor cycle because the evil men would be coming to sentence me to a life of darkness. To this day the sound of motorcycles sends me to the bathroom where I curl up into the foetal position and sob like a little girl. Just in case anyone from Kenya Power is reading this, I stopped doing my electrical moonlighting when I was about 13 after a particularly nasty shock. It's not exactly painful. It hurts you in ways words can't quite describe. At any rate you couldn't make me touch a postpaid electric meter with Eugene Wamalwa's nose.

Third and fourth are held by the cops and kanjo. And that is the point of this whole story. It all started one bright Tuesday morning. *Fade into flashback* My friends and I were going to Coast and we'd decided to take the train. (Second class is pretty awesome when you have friends to travel with.) So the meeting point was the Hilton jobless corner. With about an hour and a half to the train departing, we were waiting for the rest to arrive. Some of you will know that some of the concrete seats there are broken. The one I was on had the bottom part broken so I was seated on the top bit. My first mistake.

Minutes later some woman walks towards our group. My first assumption? She was lost. Then she walks past my group of friends straight towards me. My assumption now? She is incredibly lost and I am the only person who can save her. So she walks up to me and takes my hand & asks "Hivyo ndio wewe hukaa kwa nyumba yenyu?" Taken aback I shot back in the only way I know. Sarcasm. "Ndio!" But she got the last quip. "Basi hii si nyumba yenyu!" Then she started dragging me. For a second I thought of struggling but there was a huge guy behind her. One of those burly dudes with a hairy chest and top three buttons undone with a gold chain hanging there.The idea of struggling evaporated.

TWILIGHT: THE KENYAN SAGA

There is romance in the air. A story that would put any penned by ol' Will Shakespeare to shame. Romeo and Juliet? It would make that read like those rambling compositions we wrote as kids where the sole purpose was to throw in a mention of tom tom drums. It's a story spun and told by Kenyans and the only thing I can compare it to is that opium of the prepubescent girl, Twilight. Don't ask me how I know what prepubescent girls read because that's irrelevant to the topic. That story is the tale of one William Ruto. And the tale is called Kenyan Politics.

So for the lucky among us you may have no knowledge of either Kenyan politics or Twilight. You are blessed. Stop reading. For the rest of us I will try to draw similarities. First Twilight is about a disturbed girl (Heavens I hate Kristen Stewart) who can't decide between an old crusty guy who happens to be a sequined vampire and a younger one who just happens to be a werewolf. So yeah, just normal teenage filled angst. Same thing happened to me when I was 13. I was the werewolf.

Then there is the second scenario. A politician being pursued by two suitors. And we are loving it. We are eating it up like ugali saucer from Mama Benta's. The media has us glued to out screens every single time they follow one Bill Ruto from random hotels and in people's homes trying to figure out what his next political move is. This dude could just be having an affair with multiple women and we would be none the wiser because all we want to know is whether he was meeting Raila or Uhuru.

Hope the similarities are coming out clearly. The only problem is I can't figure out who Edward or Jacob are in this case because people go crazy over that whole Team Edward and Team Jacob stuff. Which is the same thing we do with our political leaders. Even our Jacob and Edward have had beef from back in the day. Way way back. Their daddies had issues and they just carried it forward. Ultimately Bella (Who I hate more since she showed up on my blog) makes a choice and kinda has to live with people on both ends trying to make a meal of her.

That's where the similarities end. No one here is an innocent victim waiting for salvation. That said the Kenyan political scene is way more savage than a pack of werewolves or vampires could ever imagine. And thus the die is cast. It looks like the next president is going to be chosen by Bella Swan while she tries to figure out who will tend to her needs better. 

SHIFTING GENDER POSTS

Kudos to women empowerment programs! They are reaping big time. Today, more and more women are getting empowered through jobs and self employment too. Those who thought it was an impossible task can now take a back seat and let certified drivers take the agenda home.

On many occasions when I board a matatu to and from work, I found myself an endangered species. I am with at most two other men. The rest are ladies. If my boy was to call me and he starts jokes especially on women stuff, I would not continue the conversation for sure, lest I do not value my life. I certainly do.

I had some conversation with a lady friend of mine who said when she asked her pals, they, men, told her that men are now becoming more self employed. I told her without blinking, that bullshit. It’s a whimsical explanation and holds no water. Men today are becoming hollower by the day including doing traditional functions for themselves or the family.

I walked into an organization for an appointment. I noticed there were more ladies than men. In fact, over the hour I was there, I met no man. After our official conversation, they told me there are two positions up for grabs. They had been vacant for a while. Now it’s about four months down the line. The positions are yet to be filled. All the men who have attended interviews there have not made the cut. They are insisting on having men take them because the gender disparities are just too much.

I take it that something is certainly not right. These two illustrations may not be good. I have many in my head but these two stood out. Many at times the women are referred to as the fairer gender, they probably get more ‘favors’ from time to time. Some may actually sleep their way to jobs or tenders or opportunities in general. It is their choice. Today, it more about putting food on the table than moral imperatives... But there are those who would put morals first and actually have a rough time going up the social and professional ladder.

Many at times today in life it is about being smart than just working hard. Some decide to seek higher education to give them leverage. Others decide to change careers and get something they have a passion for. Others decide to employ themselves. It is about what makes you happy and this is good.

Somewhere along the years the boy could have been neglected. Perhaps he became too big to be handled and was left alone. Somewhere, the girl was given more attention than the boy. And the boy could have decided to rebel. Somewhere, something did not or was not done right.

Positive discrimination does help in giving a certain marginalized component an upper hand to bring it to par. It is what seems to be giving ladies better choices and decisions in life. There should be some checks and balances though to ensure t he one who had an upper hand also does not go to the drain. But choice is what matter most. Where do you place your bet on!!

The onus is on you to decide whether the shift should lead to the opposite imbalance or should be at par when the goals are met. You decide!!

Guest post by Ole- Shitemi. Follow him on twitter at @shitemikhamadi and read his blog at  http://oleshitemi.wordpress.com/.

PRESIDENTIALLY DEBATABLE

To Make Things |Interesting!!

It's been confirmed. The presidential debates are a go. After years of watching the American version of this verbal jousting, Kenyans have finally decided that they can partake of this hallowed tradition. But while we strive to ascend the very highest peaks of Mt. Democracy, we still plan on keeping it Kenyan. I am honestly excited about the prospect of being able to ask the candidates questions about what they intend to do for this great country. All 3,635 of the ones who are in the running to become America's next...oh sorry. I meant running to be president.

First of all I am hoping no one drops out of the race between now and then. The circus is made funnier when there are more clowns running around. All this talk of alliances has me a bit disheartened because it means the field will be whittled down to just a few polished guys. Think about it. A stage with Kingwa Kamencu crying her eyes out at every question, Wakoli Bifwoli muttering under his breath & Kalonzo shuttling between everyone to see if he can lead some alliance. It would be comedy gold.

The format has already been agreed upon and I am pretty sure they are planning on making it incredibly mainstream. But I have a few ideas about how they could make it way more interesting. Top on that list involves getting rid of the elections and using that stage to pick the country's fourth president. It would save us money & the entertainment value would be amazing in comparison to stuffing a piece of paper into a box.

We could have a friendly game of Russian Roulette where the person who ends up with the bullet gets to run the country for five years. Either that or thumb wars. The strength of one's thumb should be able to decide your electability. It makes more sense than running around the country making promises you can't keep. We could take it a step further and just turn it into a mud wrestling competition. Despite the fact that they are used to the mud, I doubt many Kenyans will want to watch that. The idea of RAO covered in mud...ewww.