Thursday, March 15, 2012


We know they know.......
It's been a weird couple of weeks for the country when it comes to the international media. If you are wondering what I am talking about then you need to quit hitting the snooze button and wake the hell up. Firstly, the Daily Mail went berserk with creepy descriptions of Langata. It felt like a script straight out of Hollywood. The story was that Charlie Grieves-Cook basically sent death a personal invitation the minute he set foot on Langata Road. The descriptions, which were apparently sourced from British expats, made you wonder why any of us are still alive in this country where apparently death stalks us around every corner. Read that here...

A few days later, CNN hopped onto the crappy journalism bandwagon by implying that we were busy hacking each other to death since that's what us Kenyans are famous for. Well apart from that whole running side gig thing that we do to get lunch money. We all then got pissed off and patriotic and went into a crazy diatribe on social media demanding an apology for being described as animals. Then it took an ironic racist tone but that will be a topic for later.

So I wanna broker a peace deal and go all Koffi Annan and bring both sides to the table. The ignorant idiotic news conglomerate and Wanjiku. Think of it as therapy. Chicken soup for the troubled marriage.It's pretty simple really. All we need here is to open up the communication lines. So what I will do is provide a translator for both parties. So you will understand what is happening and nothing gets lost in translation. Since Wanjiku is the aggrieved party lets do this from her perspective. The first part is said by Wanjiku and the second is the translation by the international media.

A grenade attack in Nairobi killed 6. >>> Violence somewhere in Africa as locals fight each other over scarce resources and something about AIDS and stuff. Scores dead. Anarchy.

Kibaki and Raila disagree on nominations. >>>Political standoffs are threatening to push Kenya back to the darkness that enveloped after the 2007 elections.

Elections in Kenya are to take place in March 2013.>>>Countdown to violence...ONE YEAR. Save yourself. Run away while you still can. (With clock in the background)

Fifteen people killed in a road accident.>>> The road carnage on the potholed roads claim the lives of an American and 14 locals.

50 Cent visits Kenya >>> American hip hop star in Africa to make dreams come true for the impoverished kids in the slums who were all conscripted into Joseph Kony's army.

Martin from Eastleigh >>> The sleeper agent for the Al Shabaab residing in Kenya's most dangerous commercial district. 

A ride around town in a matatu. >>> A near-death experience on the lawless streets aboard the jalopies that litter every corner of the streets.

Yenyewe has a cold. >>> Prolific anti-government blogger comes down with symptoms reminiscent of HIV that is currently sweeping across the African plains where Mufasa was killed by Scar. Hakuna Matata.

There are way more examples but then I figured I would get you started on the way and then you could maybe start sorting out the rest. Remember the journey begins with a single step. Off to watch some news. Or as some people would report it, this local is off to educate himself on the intricacies of international dynamics that are far removed from his daily realities. Hope I won't be killed overnight or contract some life threatening illness. Does anyone have Angelina Jolie's number? I'm up for adoption.


  1. Hahahahahaha!! You couldn't have put it better........!! 

  2. This is what Larry Madowo did not get...when CNN reports about things in Africa the word "violence" took a sinister meaning.

    This was funny!

  3. lol!!! thats the insane truth

  4. Lol! Hit the nail on the head! Case of being politically correct gone wrong? As if we did not have enough of  problems with our own Media Houses spraying the words "Stand-off", "Impunity" and "Dossiers" all over!

  5. LMAO!!! But i told you to get that cold checked... Or stop living in denial and get on ARVs :D

  6. Shecyclesnairobi16 March 2012 at 14:56

    Bang On!!

  7. Perhaps a commission should be formed to investigate the loss in translation?!

  8. This is wonderful. Hilarious and unfortunate AT THE SAME TIME! How you weave comedy with hard reality is an art. 10/10.

  9. Butt naked truth... where do they think we live