Wednesday, March 07, 2012


The political world has been turned upside down with the news of the most recent opinion polls released just yesterday. In their most recent findings, opinion polls have listed 'Johny yule kange wa 44' as the man to beat in the upcoming general elections. Yes you heard right. The Kenyan political scene has completed shifted. The poll released by a cross-section of research and polling firms under the banner of 'Who Cares Who Rules This Country Anymore?- Initiative' released the results to a room full of people who we are assuming were journalists.(since they had pens and stuff)

This new entrant into the political scene has taken the country by storm and yet so little is known of him even as we went to press. In fact by the time of publishing this article, most journalists were still trying to find his facebook page which was proving hard due to the fact that no one can figure out his second name. In fact most political pundits are even doubting that his first name is Johny. But that said, he is leading the polls with 68% of the vote followed by Bikoli Wafoli with 3% and the rest shared evenly between the other guys who have been running around on telly.

Artist Rendition Of Johny
Johny (if that is even your real name) has been described as a nice kange who"always remembers to give me back my change." This was from some guy who was standing next to a 44 matatu. A woman standing next to the same matatu said he usually gives her rides for free and sometimes they are even in the matatu. His physical description has been said to be 'big but small when you see him from far' and 'funny if you are quite drunk'. He is rumoured to be about 23 or 57 years old depending on who you ask and is said to speak fluently in sheng only. (We have been asked to confirm that it's not Rapho-type sheng). Johny is also said to have a limp but only when he is not walking and a British accent when he is asleep.

This news set off a media frenzy with many of them descending upon Thika Road hoping to bump into this elusive potential future president. Robert Nagila accidentally ended up in Nyeri since no one could figure out what he was saying or where he wanted to be dropped off. Mohammed Ali has a sting operation with undercover cameras in every single matatu that are voice activated whenever the name Johny is mentioned. It has been activated a whole lot. Apparently that route has very many Johny's.

Politicians have also been quick to react to this new player. At a joint press conference, PM Raila Odinga, Eldoret North MP, William Ruto, and DPM Uhuru Kenyatta called for the deportation of Johny who they described as a 'faceless bad guy who is just out to mess things up.' VP Kalonzo Musyoka asked to be his running mate. Bikwoli Wafoli was said to be in stable condition after he passed out when he heard he was second on the list. He has already been endorsed by Moi fifteen times and then rejected before being endorsed again by the aging former president.

After so many minutes of searching (it could have been 6 or 7 minutes.Not sure) we found a link to this political spectre. Johny is soft spoken on the phone. We tracked him down through his mum who coincidentally might or might not work for the same pollsters. He pauses occassionally to shout at someone to stop touching his miraa. When asked about his ideas to change Kenya, he responds:

"Kenya iko fiti. Nani alisema tunataka kubadilisha jina? Kitu tufanye ni tupatie mayouth majob. Sindio?Yani mabudaa waende...ho?...waende home? Ama wewe unacheki aje hiyo rysto?"

Only time will tell if this will be another flash in the pan as far as politcal stories go or we could be talking to the next occupant of the house on the hill. Polls show he has cultivated a big lead and is the candidate of choice in all provinces except the Coast which apparently isn't Kenya. Demographically speaking, he is also leading when it comes to mothers of kanges which we know is a very crucial voting bloc with up to 25 votes. But only time will tell if our next head of state will be the first to know what rwabe means. Pretty soon we shall see if he lives up to his campaign mantra, 'Kama matatu ina joto, usifungue dirisha...panda fridge.' Deep. Think about it.


  1. Johnny or prezzo!!!! Does he have an agent yet?? 

  2. Ndio huyo Johnny, eeeeee!

    Tunataka tusikiza….? Tusikazane

    Ka’a mabe…?

    Nasisi tuwe
    pia maso..? Masonko

    Ama ni aje?


  3. pretty interesting read

  4. The scary thing is that this could actually happen!  In fact, I think it already has.  Ha!