Tuesday, January 11, 2011


The end of the year is typically a time when most people write about how sucky or awesome their year has been while they do a review and plot impossible resolutions. This year we'l do it a little differently. How about we simply get you ready for the best of what 2011 will have to offer.Yes, ladies and gentlemen.I have that kind of power.

These will be the top Kenyan headlines in the coming year. Stay tuned. If you don't believe me then you are probably smarter than you look. If you do then read on;

2011 renamed to 2010 (2.0). After much deliberation by world powers it will be decided by that 2011 just sounded pretty weird as the name of a year. Thus no one would really want to say it hence the whole planet would skip it and simply repeat the previous year.

Raila becomes PM of Ivory Coast. After being designated as a special mediator to broker a peace deal in the West African state, Agwambo becomes PM in a unity government that doesn't have any Ivorians in the government. Consequently the country becomes a Kenyan county and is renamed 'Bondo Coast'.

Kalonzo comes out of the closet. No it's not what you think. He isn't gay. After four months of being locked up in a closet, the VP will finally walk out of the closet after a blood-filled rescue mission. Most of the Kenyan population takes responsibility for his disappearance saying they did it. Later it is found that no one knew he was missing.

Snap elections held in Kenya. After Luis Moreno Ocampo revises his list, it is found that over 200 MP's to be tried at the Hague. Thus early elections are held and some 35 year old drunk guy from Kinoo becomes president. he is later assassinated by a cat. it doesn't really matter who replaces him.

KTN gets raided again. The Standard group suffers another raid on its premises. This time though, it won't be at the hands of hooded Armenians but rather frustrated kenyand who are tired of that stupid 'fun and fortune' show. They are asked to stick to rattling snakes rather than boring inncoent Kenyans.

Obama gets impeached. The first black American president is unceremoniously kicked out of office after damaging photos of him and avrial surface on Wikileaks. Actually the photos won't be dirty at all but since we've seen her naked then people will just make assumptions.

GBS becomes a full time shopping channel. After realising that people tune in mostly to stare at LG phones, GBS drops the Christian bit and starts a home shopping network that sells household goods ranging from slippers to miti shamba. The rebrand means it is now known as 'Mali kwa Mail' (pronounced Mare kwa mare).

Arsenal wins the English Premier League. Yeah right. I know no one could be stupid enough to believe this. It will be a world wide joke that the whole world will be in on except the Gunners themselves. On the verge of picking up the trophy, they'll score sixty seven own goals in the latter half of the season.

Julian Assange is killed. Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, will be the target of a covert assassination by the US government. despite trying to make his blowing up by a tank an accident, no one will belive the reports since Assange wil leak the real details about his death from beyond the grave.

ICC finds Ocampo Five guilty. All members of the Ocampo Six are found guilty by the ICC with the exception of one Joshua arap Sang who is found too short and dark to stand trial. The rest are convicted via coin toss. All Kenyans seem indifferent apart from Isaac Ruto who volunteers to move to the Netherlands to be close to Bill.

Alcohol Bill is revoked. After the president is photographed trying to smuggle brew out of Lifestyle past 8.30pm, the Alcohol Bill will be overturned. To make up for the lost drinking time, the kenyan government will encourage binge drinking by offering free alcohol to school children under the new 'Beer ya Nyayo' scheme.

O.J finally clears high school. After sixteen years of high school, O.J finally leaves Tahidi High and throws the whole show into a huge tailspin. The producers, faced with the impending end of the show, start work on a new one. Tahidi Polytechnic University College makes an appearance.

Alfred Mutua found not to be Kenyan. After the massive succes of his 'Mimi ni Mkenya' campaign that shook 40 million Kenyans who didn't know their nationality, it is found that Alfred Mutua is actually a Cambodian immigrant and his real name is 'Pthu Mschewest'. I could go further but that will mess up the rest of the year for some of you. Especially when I start telling you which ones of you will be parents nine months from now due to the holiday 'festivities'. So here's to a wondeful 2011. Oh sorry...2010 (2.0)

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