THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN.....

Yeah it’s that time of the year again. Actually yeah I doubt we have ever seen this kind of situation before. Yeah cross makers are burning the midnight oil while they try to fulfill the demand for ministers who want to carry them. Yes it’s the festive season when Kenyans go crazy as they march to either call for the sacking of ministers or in support of others who are ‘obviously’ being sought due to their ethnic background. It is the era where witch hunts are not just limited to the land of the Abagussi.

Parliament’s turned into a veritable reality show where you watch and laugh at the land of alliances and back-stabbing.  Cabinet has an uncanny resemblance to the Survivor’s ‘Tribal Council.’ I can’t count the number of times in which I have imagined that host walk up to a minister. Cue the crazy shifty eyes as each minister looks around trying to figure out their fate. And those immortal words as he smothers the flame the minister bears. The tribe has spoken. I’m thinking Jimmy Gathu can reprise his ‘epukana na ukimwi’ role with a more scary political one where he stares at the political class and in the same scary tone goes ‘Waziri epukana na story za wazimu’.

And then the accusations and mudslinging begin. There are three sides to this coin. (Yes Jeff Koinange has had an impact on my writing). You are either for us, against us or in the media. Those against you are known as political enemies which is just a nebulous term for anyone who disagrees with you. Then there are your friends who are just people who can speak your mum’s language. Those guys who you will pick up leaves and branches in your name and swear to the fact that you are a victim. Ask Sam Ongeri where he finds them.

Then there is the media. Piss them off and they will piss you off. Sniffs of your name mentioned in a scam and these people will track you down and feed you to the wolves. Chill for your name on every bulletin with file pictures in grainy footage making you look like a villain in a horror movie. Then some of the more bored media houses will have recreations including bits where you are shown feeding on the bones of little children. An eerie soundtrack and weird nickname (Stealing Sam, Risky Ruto, Cheating Charity etc) and you are as good as done. Of course every mention of your name will also have a shot of Integrity Centre and some oaf in cuffs being frog marched to GK Kamiti Prison.

So keep to your screens as news begins to rival TPF4 for ratings. You'll find guys rushing home for the good stuff and it becomes even better since there is an English and Swahili version. Personally I love the Swahili version where the suspects are forced to make statements in this foreign tongue. 'Apana nilichukua pesa. Lakini haikuwa nyingi. No. Never. Pesa sikuiba. Ni ufitina.' So yeah they implicate and exonerate themselves in the very same sentence.

But you know who suffers the most in this whole thing? Ocampo.....Yes that dude. He picked the wrong country to become a celebrity in. Ok so yeah maybe he got a few Buru mats named after him and the central character in the show 'Ocampo and the Corrupt Seven Dwarves' . But wait until the worst comes in. He'll start getting 'please call me's' on his phone from random Kenyans and the occasional 'flashes'. Then the requests from Mpesa from luo relatives(Ocampo, Obama, Odinga etc). Either way it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. The good, the bad and the ugly is set to be on your screens for a while as we work towards the mother of all reality shows. 2012. Pass my popcorn.