GOOD VS EVIL: EVIL WINS!!!

I don’t know about you but I love the bad guy in movies. We share a whole lot. He is misunderstood and clearly has delusions of grandeur. But other than that we have just one purpose in life. Taking over the planet. *Insert nefarious laugh here* I mean how simple is that. Taking over the planet. It’s so clear and focused. People go their whole lives trying to figure out their purpose in life. Their path. Their destination on this whole life ride. But the bad guy figures it out pretty early. And their reasons vary but always point to some hidden pain in their past. Maybe the overbearing big brother who makes you feel like a tool (Scar in Lion King), the misunderstood faceless wizard who just wants to breathe (Voldemort), the asthmatic dude who just wants to let his hair down (Darth Vader) or just being Russian. (Like most bad guys in Bond films)

So while the good guy is trying to figure out his humanity or how to raise his kid to become king or how to fight the Matrix, the bad guy is already on his path. He has already figured out which pet to get for that moment when he will turn around in his swivel chair and announce “I’ve been expecting you!” I mean how cool is that? I tried that a couple of times but without a bunny and on the floor. It was nowhere near as awesome and I got a bum rash I couldn’t explain for a while. The bad guy is a bad ass. He gets awesome lines. Consider this from the 007 spy films:

                James Bond: Do you expect me to talk Goldfinger?

                Auric Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond….I expect you to die!

OLYMPICS RIGGED...GO TEAM KENYA!!

The Olympics are rigged.

Proud of these chaps.

That simple. I am going to prove it. Pretty simple really. It's like day 5 of the competitions and USA and China are running away with the medals while some countries haven't even seen the medal table. They aspire to have their names written in the general vicinity of the table. In fact if there was a medal stool or couch they would settle for that. Here is how bad thing are. In the couple of days that London 2012 has been going on, China has bagged more medals than Nigeria has gotten in their whole Olympics history. *Jaw drops* Not that Nigeria sucks that much (we are way better than them na haturingi....) but WTF would account for such stats.

I think I have it all figured out. It's all well choreographed so that we think it's a level playing field but if you pay keen attention then it's all a farce. (Farce is such a cool word. It's like farts without the t. Hehe..oh farce) But back to the serious business. The conspiracy starts at the very beginning. The Opening Ceremony. (Cue the crazy woman screaming in the background.) Where do we start? For those of us who stayed up to watch ceremony (Past 3 am...to see like 2 seconds worth of footage on Kenya...bastards!!) you totally know what I mean.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY WE CAN'T FIND PHILLIP MOI

If you've joined in the national search for the ever elusive Phillip moi then you must be wondering what the deal is. After a whole lot of research our moles figured out the top ten reasons for why this dude simply can't be found and why Pluda will spend the rest of her life looking for him. In reverse order of likelihood, they are:

Blurry but the resemblance is uncanny.

10. He is Big Foot and thus comes out only once a year to feed and mate. This is also the time when random white guys go into the woods to try get blurry images of the dude. If that's the case we have 11 months more of waiting. Coincidentally the scientific name for Big Foot is Phillipus Disappearancicus. Coincidence? I think not.

9. Philip Moi is a spy and thus his true identity and whereabouts can't be revealed. His last mission was to infiltrate a super secret organisation known as M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E which stands for the Multiple Arrangament....(It's too complicated.Take my word for it.) He is thus in deep, DEEP, cover and won't be coming out soon.

8. He is chilling out at a Kenyan police station. That's the last place they would ever think of looking for him at. He just sits there all day seeking some form of service and they keep telling him to wait because they are out looking for Philip Moi.

THE FIRST DATE:SORRY GIRLS

“Can’t someone invent something for us men to marry other than women?”

Those were words from Fred Flintstone after a particularly frustrating episode with his wife.

They say women are from Venus and men from Mars. This is in apparent reference to the fact that we can never quite understand what is going on in the minds of our female companions. The advantage though of having female friends though is that they talk. A whole lot. The things women share are scary. Absolutely terrifying. But that’s a story for another blogpost. Suffice to say that while a guy will shorten a sexual experience to “I hit that!” the woman has broken it down to her friends in terms of size, shape, length, girth, direction of lean etc etc. The caveat though is that this is very general or I have very slutty female friends. Hehe.

So I decided to look at the opposite side of the penny. A woman’s perspective on the idea of the first date. And the stories I got were hilarious. So I figured maybe I would try to help out both sides of the divide by sharing the mistakes guys make during those first dates. The question I posed was simple enough. What do guys wrong during the first date? These are some of the responses. 

The overtly sexual guy.This the guy who shows up on the first date and already has a nickname for the chic’s boobs. Hey the twins are looking good today. He is the dude who will linger too long on rubbing the shoulders or slip his tongue in her ear when he’s kissing her good night. Sure there might be some good sexual tension but that doesn’t mean you should slip into the chic’s car at the end of the date and growl about how you must simply touch her. That’s rape territory buddy.

BRING MPs BACK HOME.PLEASE

So the MP’s (affectionately known as MPigs…come on. Well love pigs right?) are at it again. They are looking out for the common man by changing up the constitution to fit their whims. And Kenyans are pissed. Because all we’ve ever known from our legislators is kindness and saintlike selflessness.

Yes we can achieve this!!!

These guys have been absolutely awesome…(dissolves into flashback)…Remember that one time they increased their salaries and they refused to pay their taxes? Yes. As MJ would say, that was for you and for me and the entire human race. 

I am actually tearing up right now thinking about how much sacrifice these guys make for us.If the MPs were Zack, we would never had let them leave. We would have tied them up here, smothered them with love, affection and a sizeable pillow. And a silencer to make sure they are asleep. I guess my story is falling apart… 

At any rate I figure we should just allow them to get away with whatever. After all it is their parliamentary seat. A personal possession which they get to take home and do random nasty things on it with their spouses..(dissolveinto..err never mind about that scene.) So because we are a helpless society that thrives on being kicked in the nuts, we are going to help our MPs with more constitutional amendments.

SUPERMAN INTERVIEW

Hot Monday afternoon and an interview panel sits across an expansive oak table. The CEO, the HR manager & the Head of Department leaf through files arranged on the paper. As one interviewee walks out, the secretary scans the list for the next individual. 

“Kent,” she calls out “Is there a Mr. Clark Kent here?” 

                Silence.

She repeats the name but no response. Then she walks back into the conference room to inform the interview panel that Clark Kent is unavailable only to find a rather strapping young fellow seated in front of the panel. He turns back to look at her and smiles warmly, instantly ridding her of the scowl she had on her face. 

                “Are you…?” she begins to ask to which he nods.

                “I am Clark Kent,” he says rather loudly. “But you can call me Superman.”

He turns to the panel and their mouths are agape. He is still in his Superman costume complete with the cape which, despite the lack of a draught in the room, seems to be fluttering in some invisible wind. He is seated up. Ramrod straight. His chest puffed out. His eyes fixed on the three members of the panel. The Head of Department still has her hand on her chest, breathing deeply. Then the question begins.

CEO:      Yes Mr. Kent….

CK:         Please sir….Superman…Mr. Kent is my father.

CEO:      (determined) MR.KENT…I see your resume information isn’t exactly what we would call…normal.

CK:         Well sir. That really depends on what you would define as normal.

CEO:      You listed “Everywhere” as your residential address. What does that mean?

CK:         Well when you can move at the speed of light you can pretty much live wherever you want. I woke up in Arkansas this morning and had breakfast in New York, rescued a lady in India two hours ago and was just busy beating up thugs in Moscow. That’s why I was 3 seconds late. I apologise.

HOD:     (breathing ever so slowly). You listed “super strength” under your strengths…

CK:         (walks up to HOD and lifts her off her feet) That’s what I mean. (he sets her down and she goes into more of a daze)