Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I don’t know about you but I love the bad guy in movies. We share a whole lot. He is misunderstood and clearly has delusions of grandeur. But other than that we have just one purpose in life. Taking over the planet. *Insert nefarious laugh here* I mean how simple is that. Taking over the planet. It’s so clear and focused. People go their whole lives trying to figure out their purpose in life. Their path. Their destination on this whole life ride. But the bad guy figures it out pretty early. And their reasons vary but always point to some hidden pain in their past. Maybe the overbearing big brother who makes you feel like a tool (Scar in Lion King), the misunderstood faceless wizard who just wants to breathe (Voldemort), the asthmatic dude who just wants to let his hair down (Darth Vader) or just being Russian. (Like most bad guys in Bond films)

So while the good guy is trying to figure out his humanity or how to raise his kid to become king or how to fight the Matrix, the bad guy is already on his path. He has already figured out which pet to get for that moment when he will turn around in his swivel chair and announce “I’ve been expecting you!” I mean how cool is that? I tried that a couple of times but without a bunny and on the floor. It was nowhere near as awesome and I got a bum rash I couldn’t explain for a while. The bad guy is a bad ass. He gets awesome lines. Consider this from the 007 spy films:

                James Bond: Do you expect me to talk Goldfinger?

                Auric Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond….I expect you to die!

That said, I am constantly frustrated by the constant failure of the plans of the bad guy. Even Dennis Hopper’s brilliance in Speed was completely outshone by Keanu Reeves’ driving skills. Lex Luthor still can't win despite the fact that he is brilliant and rich against a guy who grew up on a corn field and changes in phone booths. So being bald is beaten by the ability to fly. Bollocks.The bad guy hardly ever wins because we just love seeing a happy ending. So overrated. In fact I can’t remember many movies where the bad guy wins. Maybe Megamind . But that doesn’t count for two reasons. One he was blue and had a gigantic head. And two, he sold out to the other side. Shame on him. But he had amazing lines. All men must choose between two paths. Good is the path of honour, heroism and nobility. Evil,….well it’s just cooler.

They totally deserve to get their butts kicked. It’s like they learn nothing from watching movies. I feel like they would easily win if they followed some of the following stuff. First stop setting timers for like 20 minutes into the future. It always gives the good guy time to sneak in and save the day. It’s like Bad Guy 101. Then what’s up with the whole speech thing where the bad guy opens up and tells the good guy his whole plan? Gloating is just sad. You tell him the whole plan and expect him NOT to save the day? If you are going to gloat at least feed him useless info. Tell him the baby is on the roof instead of the basement. Just stop selling yourself out you retarded goat.

It would also help if the bad guy hid his accent. If you have a British, Eastern European, Evil African or Middle Eastern accent then get voice lessons. It helps if your accent doesn’t tip the authorities off about taking over the world. Example? In Alladin all the bad guys (Think Jafar and Abysmal)have Middle Eastern accents but Alladin sounds like he's from California. See? No one would ever suspect him. In addition to that, it helps if the bad guy would just run away when heroic music starts playing during the movie. That generally means that the bad guy is about to get his butt kicked. So when ‘Eye of the Tiger’ starts playing TAKE OFF. The same thing applies to slow motion of any kind. It always favours the good guy.  

Of course the world would be a much darker place if Darth Vader or Voldemort won their fights but then again it’s already a pretty dark place despite the fact that Rambo, the Terminator, James Bond and Harry Potter won all their fights. So maybe it’s about time we gave a chance to the other side of the coin. At least we know we will have no end of minions and memorable lines. As its stands though we are stuck with that disappointing…”And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids.”


  1. I would make a kick ass however forgot to mention how to pick out a name in this guide to being a badass villian. Great piece bro!!

  2. Dude...creativity. Nuff said.

    This! "In addition to that, it helps if the bad guy would just run away when heroic music starts playing during the movie." Killed it.

    Hail Hitler! And Bolo Yeung. Am out...

  3. Hahaaa
    Bolo Yeung was a super bad guy? With like 4 lines!