Thursday, January 10, 2013


Two months left to the elections and I am already completely and utterly tired of the word itself. I feel like the country has been in campaign mode for the last five years. Everyone promising change from the current ways while the whole legislature sits in the cabinet and they sit in the middle of the night to mutilate our words and our aspirations as a nation. Now they want Ksh. 9.3 million, state funerals, diplomatic passports and armed guards. 

The bottom line is that they are way better than you. Yes you. Every single item on that list is to make them better than you are. The money? So that they never have to eat or live next to you. The only place they want to see you is at a political rally where you are waving their placards and screaming yourself hoarse. If you manage to breach that holy perimeter then the armed guard is there to put you back in your place. If things do go awry then that's what the diplomatic passport is for. They can always settle somewhere far away from where people were fighting in their name. And finally even in death they are to be remembered as better than us.

It gets rather tiring. Extremely so. Are you at work right now reading this? Well thank heavens for you because you are doing that so your honourable member can get all of that stuff. But I digress. We were talking about the elections. The posters are up already and billboards have politicians smiling at us like they are being interviewed by a singles' column. And it's bound to get worse. Two months left on the clock. The only way I can think in which we could make the election of the next bunch of thieves would be to make the process a bit more fun.

So how do we replace the tried and tested secret ballot?  Firstly for councillors or county assembly reps, this would be the most entertaining bit. These are hardy individuals who are used to the vagaries of life. We could have a version of Hunger Games for them. The name would be like the Crazy Games. Then in each county they would be released from a cage into a bush and the last one to survive becomes the rep. Of course they wouldn't kill each other (sure that would take some of the fun out of it. After all these are people who throw chairs at each other.)  so maybe incredibly painful paintballing minus all the protective gear.

Was thinking for the rest we should involve something that involves bulls. 'Why bulls?' you may ask. The answer is pretty simple. No animal represents the collective image of our representatives than the bull. Actually weasels, snakes and rats come close. But yeah if we had a running of the bulls in a closed alley then that would be another fun way to pick out leaders.

For the presidential stuff then to save the electorate millions of shillings in an unnecessary expenditure on a second roud. How about something simple? Thumb war. Wanna see the top two contenders being ushered into a ring and the whole country goes deathly quiet as the referee shouts out "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war." Then we would lean forward as they go at it and try to outmaneuver  each other into submission. Our 4th president would thus be sworn in as a veteran of war.

Childhood singing games could also be introduced to make things more fun. Picky picky ponky.....(what the hell were we singing as children), my mother and your mother were washing the clothes (And you wonder why sexism persists? Why couldn't my mother and your mother be signing mergers?) ...  and nyama nyama nyama. (personal favourite) Either that or we could have staring contests or throw darts at a board with names.

The digital age can also be applied by seeing which potential crazy person can come up with the most eye catching tweet, update or pics. That way we can reduce it to a simple case of who has the most RTs, followers, friends, likes or comments. We can sit back all day and watch them go at each otherfor our amusement. At the very least we would derive some amusement out of this whole process. While we are at it can someone tell me if we can get that Sorting Hat from Harry Potter so we can know what exactly we are getting ourselves into with every single one of those people.

I have not lost faith in the idea of democracy. I don't think we have as a nation. But at the rate we are going, we are becoming a laughing stock so the very process of elections has become a joke far more laughable than any of the ideas I have put up. The problem isn't picking the right leaders. It is about reminding even the bad one who the boss is. And that's me and you. This helplessness has to stop. Otherwise we are playing Russian Roulette with a bullet in every chamber. Hmm. There's another interesting way to have them elected....


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