KENYAN JUSTICE LEAGUE

I've said over and over that I was brought up by television. Most people think it's a joke but it's actually the truth. As soon as I was born my parents dropped me in front of a television set and gave that dusty Greatwall the work of turning me into a human being. The sarcastic, sociopath here today is the result of that process. 

Anyway during that whole process, I was completely enamoured by the idea of the superhero. The world through their eyes was so simple. Good always fighting evil and winning. I wanted to be part of Gotham City and watch Batman beat up The Joker or be a citizen of Metropolis where I would chill for Superman to fight bad guys and bring balance to those chaotic streets. I think the only place where I didn't wanna be was Spiderman's New York because I think webs are kinda gross.

If you think back, there was never an African superhero. Ok I don't know if we can count Kwame from the Captain Planet. For those of you who don't know he was one of the planeteers who came together to call upon Captain Planet. He was from Ghana but he doesn't count because he doesn't even count as a side kick. In fact he was a ring bearer. Anyway spurred by jealousy, I imagined these superheroes in the Kenyan context and  tried to figure out how they would fair. It recently just hit me that it would be an absolute disaster. Our society is simply not made for them. With the help of some tv junkies we figured out how they would totally be screwed by our version of reality.

RUSSIAN ROULETTE: THE KENYA ELECTIONS

Two months left to the elections and I am already completely and utterly tired of the word itself. I feel like the country has been in campaign mode for the last five years. Everyone promising change from the current ways while the whole legislature sits in the cabinet and they sit in the middle of the night to mutilate our words and our aspirations as a nation. Now they want Ksh. 9.3 million, state funerals, diplomatic passports and armed guards. 

The bottom line is that they are way better than you. Yes you. Every single item on that list is to make them better than you are. The money? So that they never have to eat or live next to you. The only place they want to see you is at a political rally where you are waving their placards and screaming yourself hoarse. If you manage to breach that holy perimeter then the armed guard is there to put you back in your place. If things do go awry then that's what the diplomatic passport is for. They can always settle somewhere far away from where people were fighting in their name. And finally even in death they are to be remembered as better than us.

It gets rather tiring. Extremely so. Are you at work right now reading this? Well thank heavens for you because you are doing that so your honourable member can get all of that stuff. But I digress. We were talking about the elections. The posters are up already and billboards have politicians smiling at us like they are being interviewed by a singles' column. And it's bound to get worse. Two months left on the clock. The only way I can think in which we could make the election of the next bunch of thieves would be to make the process a bit more fun.

So how do we replace the tried and tested secret ballot?  Firstly for councillors or county assembly reps, this would be the most entertaining bit. These are hardy individuals who are used to the vagaries of life. We could have a version of Hunger Games for them. The name would be like the Crazy Games. Then in each county they would be released from a cage into a bush and the last one to survive becomes the rep. Of course they wouldn't kill each other (sure that would take some of the fun out of it. After all these are people who throw chairs at each other.)  so maybe incredibly painful paintballing minus all the protective gear.