Wednesday, July 28, 2010


On the news lately have been the exploits of a certain Phillip Onyancha. Name doesn’t ring a bell? Well I guess that means you’ve been living under a rock or in State house. Hate him or love him (if you do love him then you need some therapy). He’s managed to capture the country’s attention and even managed to draw the country’s attention from the World Cup. Esther Arunga and her fingers wouldn’t be able to pay for this kind of publicity. Unlike Es and Quincy, Phill seems to know what he is doing.

Our celeb culture is still in its infancy and very skewed in some sense which is why we feel the need to ask Ng’ang’alito and the Tattuu trio mundane questions about their lives to get a rush. Enter this charming quiet guy who looks nothing like a serial killer. (Damn hollywood for making us believe that serial killers walk around in hooded robes, breathing like Phillipino/Mexican actors and hunting down rich, amorous teens on a deserted Island.)

I don’t know how long Onyancha might be in jail if convicted. I say ‘if’ because this in the +254 anything is possible. The justice system is responsible for Brother paul Pattni still walking free after fleecing the country of billions. With luch, Phill may get an acquital and may end up suing the State for harassment.

So what’s in the works for him after he exits the slammer? Well obviously going to work will be impossible. No one will want to hire him because he worked for G4S……..oh and the whole serial killer thing doesn’t help things out either. Being Kenyan, his options are many. Sample a few.

The apperance fees from the talk shows will b amazin. Jeff will have him on the bench for a week naratting his life story. It’s also here where he will launch his presidential ambitions. His slogan will be; ‘ For the guy who can KILL all your problems, vote for Onyancha…..or else!!!’ Oprah will trace his killing spree to a father who wouldn’t hug him. His biography, ‘Get Rich at G4S or Kill Trying’ will be on her book club for months and will thus shoot up on all best seller lists. Of course tyra will give him a make over then make the show all about herself.

The branding and merchandising opportunities are endless. Anything you’re required to resist and desist from would have his face on it. I can see him being the point man at NACADA where their they could apply the slogan; ‘Don’t drink and drive……because Onyancha says so!’

And it goes on. Nike could have shoes that help you outrun serial killers and use him in their adverts. Gyms would cash in by introducing the ‘Onyancha package’ to fight off would be attackers. A Kenyan comic strip would come up replacing the boogey man with our man. Then to top it all off, a record deal with P-UNIT(Phill’s unit) and a chart topper, ‘Blame it on Onyi’ that would sample from MJ’s ‘Blame ot on the boogey.’ Make way for a celeb in the making. A true Kenyan to oudo them all. Remember this is the +254. It could happen.


  1. Thanks for taking the time to laugh.

  2. You are absolutely brilliant! I shall now proceed to become your follower...