DESPERATE TIMES...

The gloves came off a while ago. It became a two horse race and then donkeys joined and then donkeys became the good guys and vice versa. The very foundation of this presidential race continues to befuddle many Kenyans daily. It's never politics as usual in this great, sovereign nation of ours. Presidential campaigns involve a whole lot of ass kissing. You head to a new place and promise the people a whole lot of things you know you will never ever deliver while they scream their hopeful little lungs out. Then you kiss babies and dance to weird traditional music and sitting on low stools to be installed as an elder or watchman or deity.

A Bouquet Of Miraa For Your Consideration

But the trend is changing and this wind of change is being brought on by the opinion polls. They keep showing a pretty tight race so all 1,965 candidates have shifted their game to accommodate smaller groups and more specific niches. This was all kicked off by the rather disturbing image of the Right Honorable Prime Minister reaching into his jacket to retrieve a wad of miraa and proceed to chew it court the Meru vote. After all when in Rome.....

So to keep up we might see new things on the news for the next couple of months. I can imagine some random politician dressing up in a watchman's attire and walking around with a huge torch and black mamba for a photo opportunity. This would obviously mean he/she understands the plight of the lowly security agents    and would thus make pledges about heated cubicles for those cold nights, coffee makers for that adrenaline rush and obviously zero rating of mosquito repellents, torch batteries and bicycles.

TWILIGHT: THE KENYAN SAGA

There is romance in the air. A story that would put any penned by ol' Will Shakespeare to shame. Romeo and Juliet? It would make that read like those rambling compositions we wrote as kids where the sole purpose was to throw in a mention of tom tom drums. It's a story spun and told by Kenyans and the only thing I can compare it to is that opium of the prepubescent girl, Twilight. Don't ask me how I know what prepubescent girls read because that's irrelevant to the topic. That story is the tale of one William Ruto. And the tale is called Kenyan Politics.

So for the lucky among us you may have no knowledge of either Kenyan politics or Twilight. You are blessed. Stop reading. For the rest of us I will try to draw similarities. First Twilight is about a disturbed girl (Heavens I hate Kristen Stewart) who can't decide between an old crusty guy who happens to be a sequined vampire and a younger one who just happens to be a werewolf. So yeah, just normal teenage filled angst. Same thing happened to me when I was 13. I was the werewolf.

Then there is the second scenario. A politician being pursued by two suitors. And we are loving it. We are eating it up like ugali saucer from Mama Benta's. The media has us glued to out screens every single time they follow one Bill Ruto from random hotels and in people's homes trying to figure out what his next political move is. This dude could just be having an affair with multiple women and we would be none the wiser because all we want to know is whether he was meeting Raila or Uhuru.

Hope the similarities are coming out clearly. The only problem is I can't figure out who Edward or Jacob are in this case because people go crazy over that whole Team Edward and Team Jacob stuff. Which is the same thing we do with our political leaders. Even our Jacob and Edward have had beef from back in the day. Way way back. Their daddies had issues and they just carried it forward. Ultimately Bella (Who I hate more since she showed up on my blog) makes a choice and kinda has to live with people on both ends trying to make a meal of her.

That's where the similarities end. No one here is an innocent victim waiting for salvation. That said the Kenyan political scene is way more savage than a pack of werewolves or vampires could ever imagine. And thus the die is cast. It looks like the next president is going to be chosen by Bella Swan while she tries to figure out who will tend to her needs better. 

PRESIDENTIALLY DEBATABLE

To Make Things |Interesting!!

It's been confirmed. The presidential debates are a go. After years of watching the American version of this verbal jousting, Kenyans have finally decided that they can partake of this hallowed tradition. But while we strive to ascend the very highest peaks of Mt. Democracy, we still plan on keeping it Kenyan. I am honestly excited about the prospect of being able to ask the candidates questions about what they intend to do for this great country. All 3,635 of the ones who are in the running to become America's next...oh sorry. I meant running to be president.

First of all I am hoping no one drops out of the race between now and then. The circus is made funnier when there are more clowns running around. All this talk of alliances has me a bit disheartened because it means the field will be whittled down to just a few polished guys. Think about it. A stage with Kingwa Kamencu crying her eyes out at every question, Wakoli Bifwoli muttering under his breath & Kalonzo shuttling between everyone to see if he can lead some alliance. It would be comedy gold.

The format has already been agreed upon and I am pretty sure they are planning on making it incredibly mainstream. But I have a few ideas about how they could make it way more interesting. Top on that list involves getting rid of the elections and using that stage to pick the country's fourth president. It would save us money & the entertainment value would be amazing in comparison to stuffing a piece of paper into a box.

We could have a friendly game of Russian Roulette where the person who ends up with the bullet gets to run the country for five years. Either that or thumb wars. The strength of one's thumb should be able to decide your electability. It makes more sense than running around the country making promises you can't keep. We could take it a step further and just turn it into a mud wrestling competition. Despite the fact that they are used to the mud, I doubt many Kenyans will want to watch that. The idea of RAO covered in mud...ewww.

OUR LEGACY:WE MUST NOT FORGET.

In the months leading up to the elections, cracks are showing up again based on political ideologies. Wait a minute, I will rephrase that. In the lead up to the elections, cracks are showing up in the Kenyan social fabric based on political PERSONALITIES. The first sentence assumed that Kenyan politics is evolved enough to sustain ideologies. The closest you would have to look to understand this is the fact that each election cycle will always see the conception and birth of new political outfits and alliances. Go on. Think about it. Who are you supporting? And what are you basing it on?

Anyway back to the cracks. The amount of rhetoric hitting the airwaves has me so worried. The question continuously posed is whether or not things will be as bad as they were last time. And more and more people seem confident that we know better. I keep hearing how we know better and that we will never be divided as a country again. But still the vitriol is poured and the bile continues to affect us as a nation.

I think the lessons that we learnt in 2007/8 are being forgotten. I watched 'Kenya's Darkest Hour' the other day and I honestly couldn't believe that that was the same country I call home. I had forgotten all the stuff that had taken place. The screams, blood and tears. My baby niece should be a constant reminder of that though. She was born just before that period. The offspring of a Luo mother and a Kikuyu father. The drive to the hospital was fraught with anxiety as we tried to figure out who would be a victim of the gangs patrolling the streets. Thankfully we encountered no such gangs.


This morning someone said something really profound. He said as Kenyans we confuse activity for achievement. Think about it. I was blown away. From a personal standpoint I think this makes immense sense.How so? Scour social media today for all the pages and groups that purport to bring Kenyans together. They are there by the dozens. Well meaning individuals who bring people together to talk about how awesome it is to be Kenyan. That is the activity and there is a lot of it. We are so far from achievement.

ELECTIONS 2013: NOOOOOOOOO!

Get it? Huh? Huh?

The new and improved judiciary came out with a landmark ruling last week. It made it illegal for guys over 10 to wear supras and the ruling also allowed the cops to shoot individuals who contravene it on site. But the story that made it to the front pages of all the local dailies was this whole thing about the election date.So apparently the court, which is made up of sane people, ruled that we might have elections in 2013. Actually they said a whole lot of stuff that sounded pretty important but the bit that we took away was that we might go to the polls in 2013.

The country reacted in the normal fashion. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth as reporters went around the country seeking the opinions of 'the frontrunners' in the presidential race. They all said something about respecting the rule of law. Sorry I wasn't quite listening. oh and then the other MP's chimed in about how we should respect the constitution because they might get three extra months' salary before we send them back to work on their phot farms. (Think about it. Only stoned people would behave like that). Then that night, Primetime news featured opinion questions like: "2013?" "Tutaweza kweli?" or my personal favourite "WTF?" They picked a sample of the responses and the general reactions were "Tutavukaa border" and "GFF, woiye, acheni mchezo!"

But the realisation is slowly starting to sink in. Like that hot piece of ugali stuck in your throat scorching your gullet as it goes down, things are fiery and thick. But don't be afraid. Actually be a bit afraid. If we have another year to go before the next elections then there are a few things we will have to put up with. And that's where it all goes downhill. If we had a bunch of sober people housed in parliament, then maybe the ruling wouldn't be so bad. But as it is, here is the breakdown of why March 213 polls would cause Kenyans to jump in front of moving trains.

EXCLUSIVE: THE MIGUNA DOSSIER

It’s been an interesting political week. In so many ways we have been lucky because we have had so many distractions such that we have not been treated to the weekly drivel spewed by entities like PNU and ODM. In fact, I’m thinking one reason why the media so relentlessly followed the Nancy Baraza story was so that they wouldn’t have to find out which party William Ruto had migrated to that particular week. I was hoping the ‘gun incident’ would have been more dramatic. That way we would have missed the whole election and focused on whether or not the Deputy CJ should have worn a ski mask and also robbed the guard because she didn’t wanna be felt up.

 Ok so while we are on the topic, I figure the whole issue about having her resign is hogwash. We live in a free country. What kind of world are we in if a woman isn’t allowed to go gangsta on another woman for patting her? It would be chaos. Utter anarchy. I want my kids to grow up knowing it’s cool to put a toothpick in their mouth, turn a gun sideways, wear a durag, grab their crotch and rep their hood.(I’ve seen the CCTV footage. That’s how it went down)

But the man that managed to steal the spotlight from all this was one Miguna Miguna. The man so controversial you have to say his name twice. Statistics in the last week have shown that there were 3425 suicides among the luo community who watched the interview and didn’t feel arrogant enough to live. (Can we please have a moment of silence!...Shhh in the back.This isn’t funny!) The nation is in split about whether Raila took someone else to the prom after promising to go with Miguna or he slept with his date. Either way, there is a dossier and one of our moles got an advance copy. Yes. We have moles. And rats. And other rodents. Point is we have the scoop.

LESSONS FROM 2011

Another one bits the dust. I didn't kill another hooker.BTW if the cops ask you guys where I was last night then the story is that I was at one of your places. I went home to find the hooker (They are call girls when alive and hookers when found murdered) dumped in my room. Obviously my political enemies are still out to get me. That's the fourth such incident this week.And don't buy it when the cops say they have my DNA on all of them. I wore gloves....errr I didn't do it.

But I digress. So very much. I mean the year is coming to an end. And this traditionally the time when I would sit down and write some sappy story about how painfully severe it has been to me. How the storm messed with my hair here or the tears messed up with my make up. But I refuse. This year I will switch things up a bit. You grow older and you learn new things and 2011 has taught me a couple of things. Sampled below are some of them;

1)Being Kenyan means we are totally freaked out by the very idea of burglars. But when Jimmy Gathu breaks into your house and sits in your room with a calculator, you shouldn't call the cops or raise the alarm. You are supposed to sit down and listen to him judge you about how he is way better than you. I have learnt that you are supposed to help him calculate how much of a sleaze ball you are and then walk out of your kadogo's house without a text or a note.

2)I have learnt that when you see either Nyambane or Suzanna Owiyo on the streets in your neighbourhood, you should immediately jump into your toilet and scrub it like the blue blazes. But then again it doesn't really matter because they are both invisible to people with clean toilets. They are the Edward Cullen of the toilet business. They make stuff sparkle.*slits my own throat for making a Twilight reference*

3) It's become clear that the fall in the value of the Kenyan shilling can affect just about the price of everything. This runs the gamut from charcoal (which we obviously import from Saudi Arabia), MP's seats and even the donations given to beggars on the streets. Apparently ksh. 20 can't even buy the good glue. The good stuff needs to come all the way from Gara so be sure not to get the bonoko. This was how it went down.

4) All women are great in bed. Apparently if great things happened, it was all them and had nothing to do with the sweaty guy in the corner who looks like he just ran a marathon. In more women news, do not piss them off. This will result in one of two things. They will either stop the car on Valley Road and slap the daylights out of you or they will infect you with HIV and go on a twitter rampage about it with acid involved somewhere.(For the record, none of these things happened to me.)*Pinocchio nose growing*

ONE VOTE:ONE VOICE

The year is winding down after months of what has been termed ‘a wind of change’ sweeping across the Arab Peninsula. We found ourselves hoping that the wind would blow southwards pat the Sahara but around here it’s business as usual. In Syria, hundreds are still being targeted by their government for speaking out. Egypt’s Tahrir Square is still occupied for fear of having the gains of the Arab Spring swept away by the military.

Here at home, the situation was different. The Social networks were abuzz with chatter. Maybe we should follow the lead shown by our northern neighbours. Maybe our Kenyan spring should spill out to the streets. But it was limited to walls on facebook and among the twitterati. The closest we got was in February when we got out to sing the national anthem. Since then, initiatives have come up and then fizzled out like a wet matchstick.

The set of circumstances surrounding the Arab world are vastly different from the Kenyan situation. We are not governed by military dictators and our media is free to report on whatever happens within and past our borders. Compare that to Iran whose population is scarcely aware of the Arab Spring and then it looks like we have it pretty good. And therein lies our problem. We are ok with mediocrity. We got rid of Moi and whatever alternative we got became just fine. The literary simile is Oliver Twist’s comrades at the orphanage. They wouldn’t ask for more and neither will we.

So we sit and talk. Things have changed. Then we watch while the same constitution is used to wipe away gains. We are a sovereign nation. But not when Sudan’s Bashir wants to come hang out at State House. The judiciary is independent only when the executive agrees and when it doesn’t piss off our honorable members. But still we talk. In hushed tones. Hiding behind the key strokes and the monitor. Don’t rock the boat. Things could be worse.

ONE VOICE!

I’m tired of the talk. Of the panel discussions. Of the ideals on democracy and the NGO-speak on things like ‘capacity building’ and ‘governance structures’. I don’t doubt that they may ultimately serve a function but then that means very little when we have a year to the next polls. So we turn it back to the very source of democracy. That single person. That single vote. I refuse to refer to myself as a ‘common mwananchi’. What does that make them? Special?

YAWN:POLITICALLY MOTIVATED!

Robinson Githae is a man of many talents. Chief among them is the fact that he is head of a ministry which is also being run by the mayor of Nairobi. Basically, he is the mayor minus the chair throwing since Minister of Nairobi Metropolitan just allows him to dream about what the city will be like if it wasn't Nairobi. I love those artist renditions of the city with trains going through buildings and dogs barking upside down and parks in fictitious shades of green.

But I totally digress. I wouldn't bring up Githae if I didn't have something bigger to talk about. Last week he was quoted (he is never misquoted) as saying Uhuru Kenyatta's wealth was greatly exaggerated by Forbes list of Africa's Top 40 Richest Africans. Check that list here. Anyway Mayor Githae implied that Uhuru's political enemies are out to get him...by making him sound rich. *clears throat*.

Before I even go into that lets look at the other presidential race. Herman Cain is almost pulling out (hehe) of the race because of the many women accusing him of sexual harassment dating back decades. Newt Gingrich was being targeted because he divorced his wife while she was recovering from cancer. Rick Perry got into trouble over his inability to function as a human being with a brain.

But in Kenya, apparently if you are rumored to be rich then people are out to get you. So it's cool to be assumed poor. Shhh keep it on the down low or else Sinai residents will all run for elective office. It's about being seen as a man of the people. Githae goes on to say that UK owns a shamba and a few cows and goats while the political enemies in Forbes say that he is worth an estimated $500 million. But the best is left for last when he says that if UK was actually that rich then it would be awesome and we should elect him since he won't steal money. The hell?

WHY I WANT TO BE PREZZO (not the singer.....ewwwwwwww)

Kenyans are a peculiar lot. Very peculiar. We do things weirdly which is what makes us who we are. We start sentences with ‘but’ as if we are in the middle of a conversation...(lakini Wanjiku aliruka), complain about the very stuff we do and are political pundits, judicial experts and social researchers all rolled up in one. (in other words know-it-all, judgemental bastards)

Added to this list is apparently the need to run for president. We are born with this unfathomable genetic trait that makes us want to reside in the house on the hill. We want to ride in a long convoy of unnecessary vehicles, grow fat at the taxpayer’s expense and put our faces on the legal tender. (How awesome is that? Checking yourself out in the money rather than using a mirror.) We have this inexplicable need to pull back little curtains to reveal little plaques with our names on them and have children named after us. 

I know I wouldn’t mind boring people with long-winded speeches and then have them applaud like Bill Shakespeare would have borrowed words from you. (I think Kibaki gets a kick out of this. He intentionally drawls like a drunk Texan just to see who passes out and tries to outdo himself at every other speech.) It would be awesome if people stood up whenever I enter the room and have that aide dude walk behind me wherever I go. (except in the loo. )

TOP TEN EXCUSES OVER FPE SCAM

Since there is so much heat being thrown around by the media over the Ksh 4.2 Billion (Dear Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta that is read as 4.2 billion Kenya shillings not Kenya shillings 4.2 Billion) I decided to take a moment and reflect. Sam Ongeri has categorically stated that he will not resign over this scandal and his PS is denying that there is one to begin with. (Hakuna pesa imeibiwa)

This morning Prof. Sam said he has no power as a minister to investigate the scam (which is true. He is paid over a million shillings to look pretty in parliament) He has left it to the police who we, as Kenyans, trust implicitly to sort this out in a very short time....like how they have sorted out AngloLeasing, Goldenberg (still hunting down Pattni? Watch him preach on Sunday morning) and even the Samuel Wanjiru debacle. (he jumped..no he was pushed..no he is still alive)

NAOMBA SERIKALI: THE STORY OF A WHINING NATION

We are a country of whiners. Even you. If you are reading this and you are Kenyan then it is you I’m talking to. We complain a lot. It’s what we do. Who we are. We have that gene that somehow just allows us to go on and on about what is going wrong with our lives and then blaming it all on the government. Rains failing? Naomba serikali.........People taking our islands? Naomba serikali.......Athletes committing suicide/getting murdered? Naomba serikali......

The government has borne the brunt of complaining Kenyans who have turned that ‘naomba serikali’ refrain into one of the most popular phrases only behind ‘Haki yetu’ and ‘Tutang’oa reli’. And so we will take a look at some of the things that the government has been blamed for. Usually I play the part of the devil’s advocate but today I represent the defence. And before you as a jury, I will prove that my client, GOK, is not not guilty but rather innocent.

KEEPING UP WITH THE KENYANS

E! is just one of those channels that makes you feel like you are gradually getting dumber every single time you watch it. I can actually feel brain cells sizzle and die each time my remote somehow tricks me into switching channels. It’s true. It’s actually caused a strained relationship between us. I don’t understand why I would wanna know the effects of Justin Beiber’s new haircut or how Natalie Portman’s baby bump is awesome or whether or not Robert Pattinson is faking his humility. The long and short of it is  that I end up wanting to stab myself with something ridiculously blunt.

But then again you don’t have to turn to E! to get the best of entertainment with respect to reality television. On this side of the globe, we call it the news and we have servings all through the day.  The antics of this great nation are plastered on the half hour shows called bulletins where drama meets stupidity and then the two are introduced to craziness. Place it against all those shows on E! and that stuff looks like it was made for kindergarten. Now, Kenyan reality? That’s for the big boys. That would win a Grammy, Oscar, Golden Globe and Emmy every single year.

WIKILEAKING......

We love to gossip. The idea of finding out something about someone behind their backs just keeps the world going. Extra points if the ‘someone’ portrays a completely different image of who they are. So yeah it’s less fun when we find out that Jeff Koinange is a massive egomaniac but much better if we find out that he has a love child with Bishop Margaret Wanjiru. Wink wink. I’m not saying it’s true……..

HEADLINES IN 2011

The end of the year is typically a time when most people write about how sucky or awesome their year has been while they do a review and plot impossible resolutions. This year we'l do it a little differently. How about we simply get you ready for the best of what 2011 will have to offer.Yes, ladies and gentlemen.I have that kind of power.

These will be the top Kenyan headlines in the coming year. Stay tuned. If you don't believe me then you are probably smarter than you look. If you do then read on;

2011 renamed to 2010 (2.0). After much deliberation by world powers it will be decided by that 2011 just sounded pretty weird as the name of a year. Thus no one would really want to say it hence the whole planet would skip it and simply repeat the previous year.

Raila becomes PM of Ivory Coast. After being designated as a special mediator to broker a peace deal in the West African state, Agwambo becomes PM in a unity government that doesn't have any Ivorians in the government. Consequently the country becomes a Kenyan county and is renamed 'Bondo Coast'.