ONE VOTE:ONE VOICE

The year is winding down after months of what has been termed ‘a wind of change’ sweeping across the Arab Peninsula. We found ourselves hoping that the wind would blow southwards pat the Sahara but around here it’s business as usual. In Syria, hundreds are still being targeted by their government for speaking out. Egypt’s Tahrir Square is still occupied for fear of having the gains of the Arab Spring swept away by the military.

Here at home, the situation was different. The Social networks were abuzz with chatter. Maybe we should follow the lead shown by our northern neighbours. Maybe our Kenyan spring should spill out to the streets. But it was limited to walls on facebook and among the twitterati. The closest we got was in February when we got out to sing the national anthem. Since then, initiatives have come up and then fizzled out like a wet matchstick.

The set of circumstances surrounding the Arab world are vastly different from the Kenyan situation. We are not governed by military dictators and our media is free to report on whatever happens within and past our borders. Compare that to Iran whose population is scarcely aware of the Arab Spring and then it looks like we have it pretty good. And therein lies our problem. We are ok with mediocrity. We got rid of Moi and whatever alternative we got became just fine. The literary simile is Oliver Twist’s comrades at the orphanage. They wouldn’t ask for more and neither will we.

So we sit and talk. Things have changed. Then we watch while the same constitution is used to wipe away gains. We are a sovereign nation. But not when Sudan’s Bashir wants to come hang out at State House. The judiciary is independent only when the executive agrees and when it doesn’t piss off our honorable members. But still we talk. In hushed tones. Hiding behind the key strokes and the monitor. Don’t rock the boat. Things could be worse.

ONE VOICE!

I’m tired of the talk. Of the panel discussions. Of the ideals on democracy and the NGO-speak on things like ‘capacity building’ and ‘governance structures’. I don’t doubt that they may ultimately serve a function but then that means very little when we have a year to the next polls. So we turn it back to the very source of democracy. That single person. That single vote. I refuse to refer to myself as a ‘common mwananchi’. What does that make them? Special?

DANCE WITH MY FATHER

I AM YOUR FATHER,

No that's not Darth Vader surprising Luke in Star Wars. For the record I don't understand that movie. How was Darth Vader Luke's father when Luke was also Darth Vader. And what was up with Luke making out with Princess Leia- HIS SISTER! *Hyperventilating* But then we just lost the plot. These words were said to me a few years ago.Caught playing truant in my preteen years, my father had busted me again. Nothing ever seemed to escape his attention. Invariably he'd catch me doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to in my forays into the world as a child. More often than not these encounters would end with me crying after a well-deserved(I didn't think so back then) spanking.

So used was I to this setting that I was momentarily taken aback by this chain of events. I have no idea what mischief I'd gotten into but I'm sure it was bad. I wasn't necessarily a bad kid but my dad had us reigned in pretty well. In fact the worst thing I remember doing was going for a dip in the local river after particularly heavy deluges. My siblings and I would get back home covered in mud and the drill would start. You had to go and find the stick with which he would administer your punishment. Thus you had your fate in your own hands.

YAWN:POLITICALLY MOTIVATED!

Robinson Githae is a man of many talents. Chief among them is the fact that he is head of a ministry which is also being run by the mayor of Nairobi. Basically, he is the mayor minus the chair throwing since Minister of Nairobi Metropolitan just allows him to dream about what the city will be like if it wasn't Nairobi. I love those artist renditions of the city with trains going through buildings and dogs barking upside down and parks in fictitious shades of green.

But I totally digress. I wouldn't bring up Githae if I didn't have something bigger to talk about. Last week he was quoted (he is never misquoted) as saying Uhuru Kenyatta's wealth was greatly exaggerated by Forbes list of Africa's Top 40 Richest Africans. Check that list here. Anyway Mayor Githae implied that Uhuru's political enemies are out to get him...by making him sound rich. *clears throat*.

Before I even go into that lets look at the other presidential race. Herman Cain is almost pulling out (hehe) of the race because of the many women accusing him of sexual harassment dating back decades. Newt Gingrich was being targeted because he divorced his wife while she was recovering from cancer. Rick Perry got into trouble over his inability to function as a human being with a brain.

But in Kenya, apparently if you are rumored to be rich then people are out to get you. So it's cool to be assumed poor. Shhh keep it on the down low or else Sinai residents will all run for elective office. It's about being seen as a man of the people. Githae goes on to say that UK owns a shamba and a few cows and goats while the political enemies in Forbes say that he is worth an estimated $500 million. But the best is left for last when he says that if UK was actually that rich then it would be awesome and we should elect him since he won't steal money. The hell?

TOP TEN REASONS FOR NEXT UON STRIKE

If you own a car, live in the city or just typically hate people having throw rocks at you then you must have heard that the little imps at the university were on the rampage this week again. It was to be expected after their lecturers went on a 'peaceful' strike earlier only to be caught on camera scaring non-teaching staff who had shown up for work.

So we have no idea why the students went on the rampage. We have even talked to psychologists, psychiatrists and other people who sigh but they couldn't give any headway on this. They seemed to concur that evolution had completely eliminated what has come to be known as the 'UON' doctrine. This stipulates that throwing rocks, having running battles with the cops ('running battles' was coined specifically for those kids) and basically being louts grants you an audience with whoever you want.

It is an indictment of the Kenya education system where you have to sit and wonder how some of these kids made it past nursery school let alone how they got into university. While the Arab Spring was being orchestrated by their age mates, UON are busy trying to figure out who would feature on Kenya's fictional shot putt team in the Olympics next year.

For the sake of innocent Nairobians, I'm gonna highlight the possible reasons for the next strike by our favourite students. Here is a countdown:

10) They felt left out by the surge in Somalia. They figured the government should have sent them there to help launch grenades and other projectiles at the Al Shabaab.

I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN

I threw myself in this presidential race a while ago and I’ve been pretty quiet over the last couple of months. This is mostly due to the fact that I have no need to have rocks thrown at me in ‘enemy territory’ or to have my name dragged through the mud in whatever scandals. I’ve also been avoiding trials of all sorts so I guess it’s about time I broke the silence.

I have been watching the American elections with keen interest especially since they will take place at about the same time as ours. It’s full of intrigue as the media and rivals find dirt on the front runners to hurt their chances in the polls. It’s actually pretty funny if you think about it. First it was Rick Perry who has been found to be a total idiot due to his debate performances.

 For real, he had a blank moment during a debate and just finished by saying “Ooops!” Oooops? For the dude who might get nuclear launch codes? Sure. He also got into trouble over his dad having ownership of a place that had a racist name. Then there is Herman Cain who is the current front runner but is being faced by allegations of sexual harassment. Not by one person or two. But by four or five people. More to come.

So in a way I am lucky the Kenyan political scene is more forgiving than the American one. Here we are good with murderers and thieves as long as they speak the same language and basically do nothing for our wellbeing. It helps to have low expectations. But we are becoming a bit more politically aware so things might have changed by the next polls. So I figured I should come clean to the electorate so no scandals will show up next year. I’m coming clean on all the stuff that could used against me pretty soon.

AL SHABAAB UNIVERSITY: EXPLOSIVE EDUCATION

I’m getting confused by this whole thing about terrorist organizations. CNN has this clip they play whenever they mention Al Shabaab or the Taliban. They cut to this slow motion video of some guys in bath robes running around on a playground and then shooting off into the distance before ducking into holes in the ground. This is confusing on a number of levels. Firstly, why do terrorists run in slow motion? I mean, wouldn’t it be faster for them to just run at a regular pace? And why do they need all that cardio? I have never heard of a suicide bombing at a marathon race. Actually if that were the case, they’d only recruit Kenyans. (Congrats to the team that scooped top ten places in Frankfurt Marathon. Suck on that!) 

But the mental image is changing with every passing day. Now it’s being replaced with an actual organization complete with a really rude receptionist and departments. I can almost see some campus with lecturers walking around, books clutched under their arms while they peruse that day’s paper. Once in a while they will rush to the corner to the corner excitedly to show their colleagues a picture in the paper. 

“That’s was one of mine,” he’d say pointing to a blob of blood in there. “One of my best and brightest. I always knew he’d do something explosive with his life. Obviously he had a blast!”