HOW I DIDN'T MEET UR MOTHER:RULE 1

 Now kids you have to know that all these rules weren’t things we just pulled out of thin air. They took months of scientific research and training. As we sat down that night, the Professor’s sensitivity had intermingled with Tony’s wit and Steph’s reason to come up with this unheard of brand of rules.

I guess you might be wondering what I brought to the table. Well…….to put it simply……..I was the guinea pig. I was the most naive of the group and my experiences were modest at best so they put me to the test. We tested each of the theories we came up with and submitted them to ‘Project Phoenix’. Some rules didn’t make it. For example Tony’s rule about getting under someone to get over someone was deemed inadmissible. Anyway, this is the story of the rules that made it through. This is how ‘Project Phoenix’ came to be. Rule by Rule.

1. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck smells like a duck and tastes like a duck then it probably isn’t. A duck wouldn’t try so hard.

I was sitting in a bus heading home after a long, hard day at school. Hours had simply dragged on and all I wanted to do was get home and relax. My head was against the window as I sat in the bus waiting for it to fill before the trip started. As usual, I sat there trying to figure out who I would be sitting next to for the next half hour. I had always had bad luck with this since I invariably sat next to the large lady who would end up sitting on half my seat or the screaming baby or the weed smoker…….(I think you get my drift).

HOW I DIDN'T MEET YOUR MOTHER: PROLOGUE

Son, your sister brought home her first boyfriend and as your father I feel compelled to give both the talk. Ewwww! Don’t look at me like that! Not that talk. That’s for you to learn in dark alleys and from wasted teenagers at parties as God intended. The talk I’m giving you is way better and a lot less icky. It’s a story about growing up since that’s what you’re doing. I was a late bloomer and married your mum at the ripe old age of 45. Since we want both of you out of the house by the time you’re 19, you better pay attention. And so it starts……

It was 2009 and I had just turned 22. My world had just been turned upside down after my longest relationship came to an end. Two long months. She cheated on me with the plumber. Said something about him being able to fix her pipes in more ways than one. I never did understand what she meant by that. Why are you smiling? You know what it means? Maybe I should give her a call.

Anyway I didn’t really mind the break up. This was for two reasons. One, chics (do you still call them that?), love wounded souls. And two……. well reason number one is good enough. Despite this, I was under intense pressure from your grandmother to settle down. Back in the day life was tough. Most guys had a brood by the time they were 12. (Ok maybe 13). My mum would constantly point to random girls on the street then make suggestive and rather lewd pelvic gestures. Crazy old lady. God rest her soul if she’s not torturing you up there.

HOW I DIDN'T MEET YOUR MOTHER: PROJECT PHOENIX

Kids to put this list into perspective, it is important to give you some background on the individuals who wrote it. The result was way in excess of the sum total of the individuals who wrote it. First Ben aka the Professor was the sensitive one of the group. He was the one who would point out the things that always escape our eyes about someone getting hurt. The Professor was our own Dr. Phil. While he wasn’t very smart, he was nice to a fault. Because of this girls threw themselves at him but his sensitivity was matched by a shy streak that was Archiles’ heel.

Tony was the know-it-all of the group. He was the resident encyclopedia and always had some obscure information to share with us. Mostly it revolved around the fair sex. (e.g Clinophobia is the fear of beds……he had the reverse condition if you know what I mean). He was a self proclaimed skirt-chaser (this was meant to exclude Hillary Clinton and those Scots wearing kilts) and was obnoxious about his 89% success rate compared to 57% for other guys.

Steph though was the voice of reason. After hours of arguments it was usually left to her to cast the deciding vote. She didn’t date much despite the fact that she had loads to offer. We just figured other guys were as scared of her as we were. Tony once joked that she was part of the reason that his stats weren’t at 100%. For some weird reason she started playing with the knife in her hand. The topic was dropped.