WHY MPs DESERVE THAT PAY HIKE

Before you whip out the pitch forks and other farming impliments associated with angry crowds just hear me out. This is obviously a very unpopular stance to take on this quite heated topic but unlike most Kenyans who view this with tunnel vision, I will offer you a different approach. If at the end of this you don't agree with me then you can stick that pitch fork anywhere you want. Wipe that grin off your face. I didn't mean there.

The pay hike is deserved firstly because it reinforces the 'Robbinghood' mentality that our 210 honourable members swore an oath to perpetrate. This requires them to steal from the poor to feed the greedy. They stood in front of a national audience and read from an oath that we hardly pay attention to. If you remember keenly there were bits where they were whispering. And lastly was the whole 'So help me God'. It's not help us or help them or help that weird guy at the corner who I have to have my bodyguards push away. It's simple. So help ME. If they broke that promise then they would face the wrath of the Big Guy upstairs and no one wants to be struck down by lightning. It's not a good look.

In fact if Robinhood had been in Kenya today, he'd be deemed an enemy to the state. A terrorist. He'd be found dead in his house with a gun planted in his kitten's paw. Either that or he'd be strung upside down and tortured with replays from the president's speeches. The 210 swore to plunder the resources of this nation and little things like complaining Kenyans shouldn't be a problem.We currently hear from the media (which is biased & should be ashamed) that they are amongst the highest paid. And if the Olympics taught us anything, it's that Kenyans just want the gold.


Secondly you must have noticed that CDF funds are finally being put to good use. It shouldn't be a big deal that 90% of the funds are used for erecting toilets. Well you can't really question the validity of building toilets. At the rate they are being built though, you'd think we were training for a new olympic event.

You've seen them littered everywhere with that huge sign board proclaiming that we are a toilet-going nation and pretty soon athletics will be a distant thought in our collective memory as an Olympic pursuit. So since CDF is being put to 'good' use the 210 will need alternative resources which they deserve for the loos.

In the current socioeconomic situation, it is important to remember the silent victims revealed by eager Republican politicians and prowling Tigers. The mistress. She is a much maligned figure yet if you look beyond the dirty whispers, you'll see she needs looking after. Gone are the days when she was to be hidden in dingy Riverroad B&B's. 

Pages on Facebook like Campus Divas For Rich Men shows just how exclusive these group needs to be. Our MPs can't be competing for these beauties with just Ksh. 850,000. I mean that's what the average campus guy makes from his sugar mummies. So then there needs to be a distinct difference between the people's representative and a post-pubescent jar of hormones. Now the mistress has to live in relative comfort while some people like our Head of State deny their existence at gunpoint. You didn't see Lucy poking him in the back? Great editing.

Takes a whole lot of money to look this good.

In addition to all that, we just have that much money to spend and who else to spend it on other than our legislators? I know the liberal among you will shout out that we need to pay hard working Kenyans like doctors and teachers and lecturers but lets face facts here. Who needs them? It's not like your kids need an education or like you ever get ill? And campus? Really? We all know the Kenyan university experience is about grooming young ladies for the MP's themselves, getting stabbed & kidnapped. So why pay other people when you can squeeze more money into the pockets of the Chosen.

Lastly though, they simply work harder and no one can doubt this. It's an indisputable fact. They spend all that time in parliament working for you. It's not like they are sitting there in the new chambers liking pages on Facebook under aliases like Mheshimiwa Wa Nguvu. And when Parliament  doesn't have them shackled to those horrendous seats, they are working for you wheeling and dealing so that you can get the president you deserve. You have no idea how much effort it takes to give those speeches and dance to an assortment of traditional tunes while trying to come up with laws in their heads to move this country forward.




Let me just summarize this thing. The 210 are a special lot. They are simply better and more superior human beings. It takes a special kind of person to steal from you then have you vote them in after every five years. So they deserve this simply because they are higher up on the evolutionary chain. So when the rest of the population thinks of trying to catch up then maybe we can stand up and speak. Obviously we are heavily outnumbered. 210 against 40,000,000? It's a landslide. So now? To pitch fork or not to pitch fork?