BRING MPs BACK HOME.PLEASE

So the MP’s (affectionately known as MPigs…come on. Well love pigs right?) are at it again. They are looking out for the common man by changing up the constitution to fit their whims. And Kenyans are pissed. Because all we’ve ever known from our legislators is kindness and saintlike selflessness.

Yes we can achieve this!!!

These guys have been absolutely awesome…(dissolves into flashback)…Remember that one time they increased their salaries and they refused to pay their taxes? Yes. As MJ would say, that was for you and for me and the entire human race. 

I am actually tearing up right now thinking about how much sacrifice these guys make for us.If the MPs were Zack, we would never had let them leave. We would have tied them up here, smothered them with love, affection and a sizeable pillow. And a silencer to make sure they are asleep. I guess my story is falling apart… 

At any rate I figure we should just allow them to get away with whatever. After all it is their parliamentary seat. A personal possession which they get to take home and do random nasty things on it with their spouses..(dissolveinto..err never mind about that scene.) So because we are a helpless society that thrives on being kicked in the nuts, we are going to help our MPs with more constitutional amendments.

1)     Change voting system- The election voting system is way too complicated. Not to even mention that crazy expense we are going to have to deal with. You know what? Let’s mention the expense. TOO BLOODY EXPENSIVE. So the rules should totally change. Winning the elections should be changed from the highest number of votes to something much simpler. We can go with the longest schlong, number of years served, amount of body hair, finest moustaches or cutest wives. Or we can go with that old classic…rock, paper, scissors. 

2)   Lower education standards- No education standards should be imposed at all. How smart do you have to be to say “Mr.Speakersir!” In fact, education messes with the organic process so only drop outs and idiots should be allowed to run. I mean, what has a smart guy ever achieved? And no. You can’t use Obama as an example.

     3) MPs to have running mates- Everyone else has them so why not MPs? It’s discrimination of the highest order. So they should also be allowed to have deputies and thus have mates to run and do other stuff with. Obviously all interesting things come in twos. Like boobs and boobs and errrr….yeah. It would also be cool if the running mates were wives or girlfriends. Or both so as to minimize conflict.

4)   The word youth should be redefined to allow all MPs to identify with the actual youth. So in that manner they will feel close to the grassroots. Obviously you are only as young you feel and when you are seeking votes, you feel pretty young. There can also be a provision allowing them to speak sheng without the threat of stoning or jokes on social media. Here’s looking at you Rapho. This will allow them to say words like maworks, rwabe, mbuyu, kijanaa&sare and to pay Size 8 to write their party anthems.

  

         5)   Losing is winning – The problem with our society is this ‘winner takes all’ thing. So we should revise the law to allow the losers in parliamentary races to  become nominated to become president. We want to teach the world that we don’t have the word ‘loser’ in our vocabulary. Which is kinda weird since I just used the word twice. Ultimately if you can run for MP then you have the right to be employed by the electorate nonetheless. Ni hakiyako. Na huringi.