LUDICROUS LINGUISTICS

We are a melting pot of cultures and languages. Within our borders lies a conflagration that has melted all these cultures into a single unintelligible mess. The very expression of this is the desecration of the English language. While this may sound haughty and pretentious, it is nonetheless a reaction to the complete loss of linguistic rules that has become known as Kenyan English. Even with the accents and travel time clocked by much of the population it is still very disheartening to know how butchered the language is and how it makes communication almost impossible.
We are a nation of runners and yet most of those runners can’t say athlete. When did we agree to say earth-let-iii. I can’t imagine the conversations at the embassies when these guys get their visas.
“Why do you need the visa sir?”


“I am an earth-let-iii.”


“Excuse me sir.”


“I learn (run).”


“So you are a student?”


“No. I am a learner. An earth-let-iii.”


I think it usually boils down to them having to mime movements to get the blasted documents. OK so you might cite the influence of their mother tongue and maybe you are right. But our generation can hardly speak their native tongue yet they are joining in the bandwagon. Theirs is worse since it is an educated foolishness. Every sentence is preceded by a ‘Si’ which would make a foreigner think we came up with our own version of Spanglish. Then there are those who speak of other “stuffs’ or better still the ones who can’t get enough of themselves when they say ‘Me, I……..’

Then there are the ones who have decided to ‘literally’ kill the word literally. Walk into a party and hear the Kenyan Paris Hilton speak of how she ‘literally’ died when her boyfriend got her another ugly mut. It is explicitly Kenyan to have heroes and ‘sheroes’ and where fatal accidents don’t kill you. It is only in Kenya where sachet rhymes with carpet and where reserve is any place out of the capital. News stations can’t decide whether ‘cache’ sounds like catch, touché or cash. It’s all so troubling. The cream of the crop for me is the group which can’t decide whether they are talking about a guy or girl. ‘He’ and ‘she’ are exchanged so regularly that you’d think there were forty characters rather than one.

TIGER WOODS' APOLOGY: IF YOU MISSED IT!!!

I know you guys were pretty busy last week with the whole Esther Arunga and Hellon saga which means you missed out on more important news; Tiger Woods' apology. It was given to a room of 15 journalists and if you missed it, here is what he said verbatim. Nothing has been altered in this;

Hey guys. Lisa, Andrea, Mandy and Sandy. Hey Cynthia,Mary, Nancy, Terry, Denise. Danielle (mouthing 'call me'). I'm sure you all know why we are here. No Danielle. Put I back on. Not here. (Mouthing 'I said Call me'). Anyway it is with deep sadness that I stand before you. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed by what has happened and so I want to put the details out there. So much has been said and asked about the events that led up to the fateful night of November 27th so I will come clean.

I would first like to indicate my sincere apologies to my wife.....my wife.....sorry the name is on the tip of my tongue. Starts with an E. Yes Esther. Sorry Elin. Come on guys. Give me a break. Enough with the surprise. I would like to clarify that despite most media reports, Elin did not hit me with a golf club. The black eye I got was as a result of my carelessness when I slipped, fell and fell in Elin's path while she was perfecting her golf swing. And from the contact I can confirm that she requires very little practice.

MORE KENYAN GOLD: HAKI YETU

The Commonwealth Games are  over. I don’t really understand the games to begin with. The British are so awesome at what they do. I can so imagine the reigning British monarch sitting around a table and going Hey Charles you know how we colonized these people? You know what? We should see if we can make them run, jump and swim every four years. That should teach them who’s boss. And we do. Every four years without fail. Let’s see Obama try that with his hope and ‘yes we can’.

But yeah while I might seem to criticize the games in themselves, I’ve found myself watching them. Then I got angry when I noticed that the games were rigged in favour of the same country. Looked at the medal standings recently? Yeah the Britons are somewhere near the top. Though Australia must be enjoying kicking their rear ends. I can imagine them going like Serves you right for calling us crooks. But yeah some of the games are totally pointless. As Kenyans, we simply sit back and watch some of them and shake our heads in disbelief. And they call us weird?

DON'T STAND TOO CLOSE TO A NAKED MAN!

Yeah I know most of you checked out this note just because of the title. Tim Allen wrote a book by the same exact title and it had nothing to do with naked men as does this note. The fact that you're still reading shows the pervs are still hoping the story relates. 

Lately it seems like there's just trash littering the screens. NTV decided to punish me for something with the foreign selection of 'passion, love and revenge.' Citizen and Classic are driving me down the path of 'juju,million naira and you-can't-marry-him-o'. Don't get me started on KTN who have resorted to bribing people with pimped out rides and money to watch what they look like after Hellon raided them.

So I'm finding myself just watching adverts. They're short, simple and I can get the theme which seems pretty obvious; buy me, use me, give your money to my owners. I can dig it. But then even these gems are getting tainted and I'm finding myself at a loss for words. What you ask? Well I'm just perplexed by some of this stuff so I'll give you just a sample of what I mean.

FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME?

In Kenya, as far as music goes, there is some good, some bad and then there is Prezzo’s music. I have been a religious viewer of these music videos and come up with a simple formula that has catapulted many into the spotlight as they seek their fifteen minutes of fame. It is a fool proof way of getting your piece of the Kenyan pie that either involves being the president or ruling the airwaves.

The first step is to get a quirky name. It should be something catchy or stupid that people will remember forever. You can’t survive this industry without a name unless you are Nameless who seems to be doing pretty well. Or if you can’t come up with one, just copy someone else’s. I heard we have a Kenyan Beyonce, Avril and those two idiots who are fighting over the name Czars. Or just go with something with Big or Lil’ to precede your name. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have the size to back up that name.

ONLY IN KENYA: SECURELY INSECURE

I come from the side of town where muggers get mugged. It is also the side of town where if you were caught in an alley between the cops and robbers, you’d rather side with the robbers because at least with them you know what to expect. While I could go into a lengthy diatribe about the strained if not openly hostile relationship between the population and the police force, I will suffice to say it is complicated. Sauti Sol’s ‘Blue Uniform’ was an apt representation of what we have to go through sans the happy ending and with a lot more heart ache.

The top brass doesn’t inspire confidence when the head of the police can also be tasked with delivering our mail. That’s Kenyan multitasking for you. After years in the army and police, of course the post office was the next step in Hussein’s natural progression. About the new guy, Matt, well I have no idea what he is usually talking about. He decided to adopt some sort of foreign dialect that I haven’t cracked yet.