MY MANIFESTO!!

The campaign season is now entering the home stretch. The political pundits won't let us forget it. Turn on your television and every channel has 6 analysts and experts. This is done in 3 different studios which simply means they have partitioned their main studio. Then they have the ' common mwananchi' standing by standing by somewhere ready to react to the reaction of the analysts to the stuff going on in politics.

It is during one such trip into this audio-visual assault  that I found out that the top two equine creatures in the race had launched their manifestos.  I can't  believe I missed out on both occasions   Then again all I would have to do to catch up would be to watch  a sci-fi movie. Then the  plans would be crystal clear. 

Don't get me wrong...there are some genuinely good ideas in those manifestos. A million jobs, enhanced security, a bath tub for every dirty citizen etc. But for the most part it's all wool over our eyes. It's like trusting an alcoholic who is promising to clean up a bar without touching the liquor. At any rate my hat is still in this race so I might as well join the likes of people offering solar powered laptops to children who don't have desks or teachers. Lets raise the bar. Dream with me.

If I was to get voted in..(IEBC cleared everyone so don't look surprised) ..I promise to fill posts in my cabinet only with people who find it hilarious whenever they see car number plates which begin with KBJ. We need people with a skewed sense of humour at the helm of this country. Also within the first 100 days I promise to put a man on the moon. Which man? Probably Waititu. We'll aim for Rongai and see if we can find extraterrestrial life forms there. If not then we can settle for the moon.

In addition to this, I will order a commission of inquiry into the addictive qualities of the drug known as Tujuane. We've lost many of our young ones as they throw away their lives while under the influence of this audio-visual narcotic. We will get down to the root of why we enjoy sitting and laughing as dates crash and burst into flames because the guy or girl is a secret crazy person.

I will fight for free wi-fi on every kibanda. A policeman in every bedroom. A duvet on every couch. Instagram that is able to take pics of ugali. Foursquare that checks in when you're in Dandora and Kariobangi.  I will fight for you Kenya. I will get a running mate through a competitive process where the individual will be the one who comes up with the most appropriate answers to stupid questions that kanges ask like "Una mbao?" or "Hauna pesa ndogo?"

We will take this country back my fellow Kenyans. From corruption and greed and passwords on wi-fi and typos and grammar nazis and people who steal tweets and updates.  This is our time. Now vote for me. Or else!!!