THE KENYAN TERRORIST: A GUIDE

Since the terrorist activity started in the country we have become accustomed to the constant checks by the security apparatus. It's become a way of life. A manner in which we all give up a bit of our privacy so we can get felt up for the greater good. Kenyans are actually happy to go through this inconvenience if it means making their country a bit safer.

That said though the security guards over the last couple of months have painted a rather interesting image of what terrorism is like.If you have no idea what I am talking about then  I will ask you to recall your last pat down or car check as you were entering a public building. Remembered? Ok. If you have watched any of those detective or crime shows you will know that they come up with a psychological and physical profile of the unsub (suspect to you lesser mortals). From the actions of the Kenyan security guard we are able to draw a fairly conclusive image of what the Kenyan terrorist looks and acts like. Join me as we descend into this murky world.

1) The Kenyan terrorist only drives crappy cars. He is never seen in flashy cars because that will obviously draw way too much attention to himself. That's why when the Range Rover drives up to the security guards they salute and wave him through while the guy in the old Peugeot has his jalopy checked from hood to exhaust. You can never be too careful with these people.

2) He hides all his bombs in two places in the car. Either under or in the trunk of his car. He is a creature of habit and would NEVER and I repeat never put his explosive device anywhere else. Of course he would simply put it on his lap or in the back seat of his car but then again this guy stays true to his trade. You don't just wake up one day and decide the bomb has had enough of the trunk or the car's underside.

3) He clearly labels his explosive devices. So that briefcase in the trunk of the car isn't really a bomb unless it is labelled with clear, bold, red letters. There is a rule about even the font to be used for such stuff and the brotherhood is totally specific about the message. THIS IS A BOMB. MAMBO MBAYA. That's why the security guys often finish that undercarriage check so quickly. It's just one of those messages that jumps out at you with a single look.

4) The terrorist is a man. Sorry women. Another way in which you have to fight for your rights. Maybe you will get special seats for this one too entrenched into the constitution. But yeah the Kenyan terrorist is a man. That explains why women are waved through the security checks despite those huge bags. Some of those bags are known to carry everything from boots to a bedside lamp but the one thing you will never find in there is an explosive device.

What? It Could Happen

5) The terrorist is also incredibly honest. He might do despicable things like killing and maiming people but the one thing he will never do is to tell a lie, What is he? An animal? He tells the truth all the time and this Achilles' heel has been tapped into by the security apparatus. Walk into an establishment and they will ask you what the contents of your backpack are. Nini hapo ndani? Oh ni laptop? Ahhh. Kama ni laptop ingia tu nayo.  Exactly. The terrorist would definitely have to say the truth about the arsenal contained in his  backpack and the jig would definitely be up.

So look out for these people. It might even be you. So next time you enter that public building and you have to sign in let the guards know that they should probably take you in. When you leave that name and phone number in the  visitors' manifest then be sure to know that your honesty will just get you nabbed. And pretty soon you will be signing in at Kamiti. Even with terrorism we strive to be different. Or so the security apparatus will have us believe.