TWITTER SURVIVAL GUIDE

I am coming to terms with the fact that our lives are moving to cyberspace. Where we are unable to hold an intelligent conversation when face to face with someone but can prattle on and on about whether or not @Rosemisstaylor was touched by old men online. It gives us a chance to start all over again. To cast that huge forehead aside and pretend to be someone glamorous with very few problems to deal with.

Facebook was our chance to get it all figured out. Our time in the sand box where we could work on the modalities of it all. And now twitter is where it all comes to fruition. Where those hard earned hours coming up with an amazing status update can now be turned into a blow by blow account of those crazy lives we wish we had.

Those new to twitter will be glad to know that there is actually order in what seems to be a very very chaotic world. And lucky for you, I will take you through it. Here is what you need to be a successful Kenyan on twitter. You can thank me later.



First on the list is AN OPINION. On absolutely everything. For you to be even close to relevant on twitter you must be able to discuss everything from the situation in Syria to the NHIF scandal to how fat your neighbour's cat has been getting recently. Anything and everything goes. As long as anyone speaks about it you should be able to come up with a reasonable debate and proof about how you are the foremost voice on every single topic.

If you are a girl (and we know some of you are), the second thing on that list would be a gay friend. Actually this is one that is a bit on the fence. This is the dude you will shop with online and ask how you looked the last time you guys hung out. Obviously he is the one that will show up on your TL when you are at the salon and boutique.Poor bastard was friend zoned as soon as you guys became pals. Shock on you when he finds out you thought he was gay. *finger snap*

It also helps if you have a technological toy that you would keep making references to for no reason whatsoever. It could be anything from your phone (My Samsung Galaxy Note just refuses to charge so now I have to use my Iphone 4S), your car (Can't believe I have to buy a whole new set of tyres for my Audi A4) or your home theatre system. (Drat!This HTS will mean I will never go to the movies again.That sucks.)

It helps if you also tweet about all the random road trips you are involved in. This is a carry over from Facebook but it is new and improved here. Helps if you sound completely bewildered about being in the 'tough' sides of the city and completely at home in the leafy suburbs. So remind us when you can be seen at awesome places.

Follow every Kenyan 'celebrity'. Doesn't matter if they ever follow back, reply to your tweets or even tweet at all. That is inconsequential.  The point is to know that they all know each other and talk about getting coffee and dinner while the rest of us mortals drool in absolute jealous rage. It is how it works. Get used to it. Once in a while (and completely by accident) you may get a reply. Retweet that message like your life depends on it. Then take pictures with it for posterity. You are now officially better than all your friends.

And the last bit is the most important.You need to have an arch enemy. A Joker to your Batman. A Lex Luther to your Superman. Sense to your Alfred Mutua. The one person or thing you will constantly fight or complain. The thing that will drive you up the wall whenever you think about it.If you don't have that then jump on the bandwagon and go for the Kenya Police or Kenya Power or Safaricom and go through the motions of insulting them on a daily basis. It's ok. Go on. You can do it too.

And that's it. You are well on your way. Now start tweeting. Someone out there probably cares about what you have to say. Speak your mind...if one exists.